Happy International Day of Peace.

I’d like to start it off by saying fuck the world.

Fuck neighbors with loud barking dogs, ignorant people with money, roommates with poor organizational skills, small children, any hour before 10:30am, warm beer, people who don’t return phone calls, people who care about celebrities, women who think they’re fat, Arnold Schwarzenegger, the fact that Schwarzenegger is in my spell check and Funkadelic is not, random construction with no apparent workers, people who don’t take care of their pets, fashion, zombies, electronic failures, human failures, stalkers, ex girlfriends, insects that make noise, paying upwards of $3 for a cup of coffee, giving cell phones to young children, day jobs and last but certainly not least, fuck Lance Armstrong. Fuck him, his stretchy yellow pants and resulting lopsided bulge. Where I’m from, you’d get your ass kicked for wearing shit like that. And I’m from an affluent suburb in the most liberal state in the nation.

Peace, love and jigglybits,

Bono

Shalom, bitches.

This is when my boss goes up to people and says "Happy Roshanna" and then they give him money which he does not pass on to me.

And if Jurassic Park was real, bitches would be carrying around mini T. Rexes in their purses.

Commence to jigglin’

Sorry. I just flew in from Seattle and am still adjusting to the time difference.

Wherever I go, I run into people with the last name Williamson. Damn. William was a slut.

The government of the town I was staying in has a laptop on which they misspelled the name of the town.

It was fun. I could see Alaska from my house.

I slept on a memory foam pillow. It reminded me of what it's like to be asleep.


Right on, my Inuit.

I really wanted to get a snapshot of “Leisure/Jackson,” but laziness prevailed.

Other signs I wish I took pictures of:

“Useless Bay”

“Botany Bay” (+4 nerd points)

“Don't litter. It will hurt.”

“Bush Point Road”

I lived with someone who watches tv and I learned that America's Got Talent is judged by two Brits and a man who is only liked in Germany.

I met a man named Gar. He is not a pirate.

Some people are nervous about getting on a boat, but I’m ok. I just ate a crap ton of lifesavers.

I think all writers need water. You know. Like for survival, and stuff. Because you can write for a really long time, but you're eventually going to get thirsty.
Washington was fun, but I could see how it has one of the highest rates of suicide in the nation.

People are more predictable there. Their church slogan is "O happy day." The one here has “Before you master the bible, it must first master you.”

Apparently, God likes it rough.







Flying is a lot like watching the Olympics. When it comes to those crucial
moments, everyone scrutinizes minute details like they know what the hell
they're doing.

Whenever I have a lot of programs open it sounds like tiny armadillos having sex inside my computer.

I heard Stone Temple Pilots at the grocery store.

Worse yet, I heard a band that I saw live on soft rock radio alongside the John
Tesh Music Hour.

+3 old fuck points



I have a birthday coming up. I’m keeping my options open.

I'm down like James Brown in the ground.

Gertrude Baines, the world's oldest known person, died of a heart attack today.
She really should've watched what she ate.

LSD stands for Aaaaaaahh!!!

Jk. I've never done that shit.

Can't sleep. Clowns will eat me.

If anyone ever puts me in charge of developing an acronym, I will make it of all silent letters. But I’ll probably have to move to France to get away with that.

Whenever someone tells me about a corn maze, I think they're stuttering in
tongues.

I like fruit on the bottom yogurt. The best part is the bottom. They should just make fruit.

I wonder if when the government named Indiana they knew it would one day also be the name of a porno.

Googling yourself is just foreplay to Youtubing yourself.

I may soon be writing for a variety show in LA. Hopefully, that will land me a job writing for film. I don’t really have the attention span to write the scripts, but I could name them.

Boondock Saints 2: The Legend of Curly’s God

Short fiction writers, this one’s for free: I snatched a fly out of the air, crushed it between my thumb and forefinger and dropped it in the trash. The next day, I find it on the floor a half inch away from the can. Ready, GO.

Autobiographical meta flash fictions:

#1
I’ll call it “flash” because reading it gives the same feeling as finding out that the man in the trench coat looks his age.

#2


The new shirt by Snorg Tees got the Konami Code incorrect. You can send your hate mail here: business@snorgtees.com

Video games are not educational anymore. Ms. Pac Man taught me all about hermaphroditism.

Mustachioed is among my favorite adjectives.

I heard a woman yell to her child "Give me the key! 5!...4!..."

5? What happened to 3? Kids these days have a much shorter attention span. She should be starting at 1.



"Kids these days?" Jebus. +2 more old fuck points.

Jeremiah was in fact a South African speckled brown toad.

I bought ink online and it sent me a link where I could print an invoice.

So, I did. And this was page 2:


If you can’t read it, that says “Thanks for recycling!”


Little Red Corvette.

The latest in unnecessary news coverage: It took an interview with a government official to gain the headline “Teddy was loved.”


Clearly Nixon propaganda.

Soldiers in Afghanistan commemorated the anniversary of 9-11 with a 21 gun
salute, or as the citizens of Afghanistan call it, "Holy crap!"

I find the following disturbing because they actually get away with it:

• Mayo that is healthy because it has Omega-9
• A cattle farm that is good for the environment
• The school library being described as adjacent to the coffee shop
• Religious people who call praying “kneemail.”
  

Ok, so they don’t really get away with that. But that doesn’t mean I hate it any less.

Also in that category would be women who wear clothing with pockets and still keep their iPhone in their boobs.

And women who keep candy in their boobs to hand out to little kids.

Men don’t do that kind of stuff. I don’t know a single man who keeps M&Ms in his asscrack.

Or his boobs.

I recently came across someone (a writer, no less) who spells them “bubbies.”

Even this guy knows better:



If I ever get on Wheel of Fortune, I hope I'm pitted against two smurfs.

Funny name: Dhi Bui



I washed a peach and it became a nectarine.


Do you drink it with pasta puttanesca?

Whenever someone says to me “I wanna bowla soup,” I’m not sure if they’d like the meal, the weapon or the deadly monkey virus.

In the medical world, H1N1 =

In the gaming world, H1N1 = you’ve sunk my PT boat

For those of you who read Entertainment Weekly on a fairly regular basis:

In: Making fun of Timberlake
Out: Making fun of Kanye
Forever: Making fun of Bono

I’ll take famous hammers for 500.



I want to go to a club, but not one where I’d have to dress in ridiculous clothes, dance to bad remixes of worse music, drink watered down beverages, deal with douchey rich kids and pay a hefty fee just to enter the building.

I want to go to a bar.