Commence to jigglin’

Sorry. I just flew in from Seattle and am still adjusting to the time difference.

Wherever I go, I run into people with the last name Williamson. Damn. William was a slut.

The government of the town I was staying in has a laptop on which they misspelled the name of the town.

It was fun. I could see Alaska from my house.

I slept on a memory foam pillow. It reminded me of what it's like to be asleep.


Right on, my Inuit.

I really wanted to get a snapshot of “Leisure/Jackson,” but laziness prevailed.

Other signs I wish I took pictures of:

“Useless Bay”

“Botany Bay” (+4 nerd points)

“Don't litter. It will hurt.”

“Bush Point Road”

I lived with someone who watches tv and I learned that America's Got Talent is judged by two Brits and a man who is only liked in Germany.

I met a man named Gar. He is not a pirate.

Some people are nervous about getting on a boat, but I’m ok. I just ate a crap ton of lifesavers.

I think all writers need water. You know. Like for survival, and stuff. Because you can write for a really long time, but you're eventually going to get thirsty.
Washington was fun, but I could see how it has one of the highest rates of suicide in the nation.

People are more predictable there. Their church slogan is "O happy day." The one here has “Before you master the bible, it must first master you.”

Apparently, God likes it rough.







Flying is a lot like watching the Olympics. When it comes to those crucial
moments, everyone scrutinizes minute details like they know what the hell
they're doing.

Whenever I have a lot of programs open it sounds like tiny armadillos having sex inside my computer.

I heard Stone Temple Pilots at the grocery store.

Worse yet, I heard a band that I saw live on soft rock radio alongside the John
Tesh Music Hour.

+3 old fuck points



I have a birthday coming up. I’m keeping my options open.

I'm down like James Brown in the ground.

Gertrude Baines, the world's oldest known person, died of a heart attack today.
She really should've watched what she ate.

LSD stands for Aaaaaaahh!!!

Jk. I've never done that shit.

Can't sleep. Clowns will eat me.

If anyone ever puts me in charge of developing an acronym, I will make it of all silent letters. But I’ll probably have to move to France to get away with that.

Whenever someone tells me about a corn maze, I think they're stuttering in
tongues.

I like fruit on the bottom yogurt. The best part is the bottom. They should just make fruit.

I wonder if when the government named Indiana they knew it would one day also be the name of a porno.

Googling yourself is just foreplay to Youtubing yourself.

I may soon be writing for a variety show in LA. Hopefully, that will land me a job writing for film. I don’t really have the attention span to write the scripts, but I could name them.

Boondock Saints 2: The Legend of Curly’s God

Short fiction writers, this one’s for free: I snatched a fly out of the air, crushed it between my thumb and forefinger and dropped it in the trash. The next day, I find it on the floor a half inch away from the can. Ready, GO.

Autobiographical meta flash fictions:

#1
I’ll call it “flash” because reading it gives the same feeling as finding out that the man in the trench coat looks his age.

#2


The new shirt by Snorg Tees got the Konami Code incorrect. You can send your hate mail here: business@snorgtees.com

Video games are not educational anymore. Ms. Pac Man taught me all about hermaphroditism.

Mustachioed is among my favorite adjectives.

I heard a woman yell to her child "Give me the key! 5!...4!..."

5? What happened to 3? Kids these days have a much shorter attention span. She should be starting at 1.



"Kids these days?" Jebus. +2 more old fuck points.

Jeremiah was in fact a South African speckled brown toad.

I bought ink online and it sent me a link where I could print an invoice.

So, I did. And this was page 2:


If you can’t read it, that says “Thanks for recycling!”


Little Red Corvette.

The latest in unnecessary news coverage: It took an interview with a government official to gain the headline “Teddy was loved.”


Clearly Nixon propaganda.

Soldiers in Afghanistan commemorated the anniversary of 9-11 with a 21 gun
salute, or as the citizens of Afghanistan call it, "Holy crap!"

I find the following disturbing because they actually get away with it:

• Mayo that is healthy because it has Omega-9
• A cattle farm that is good for the environment
• The school library being described as adjacent to the coffee shop
• Religious people who call praying “kneemail.”
  

Ok, so they don’t really get away with that. But that doesn’t mean I hate it any less.

Also in that category would be women who wear clothing with pockets and still keep their iPhone in their boobs.

And women who keep candy in their boobs to hand out to little kids.

Men don’t do that kind of stuff. I don’t know a single man who keeps M&Ms in his asscrack.

Or his boobs.

I recently came across someone (a writer, no less) who spells them “bubbies.”

Even this guy knows better:



If I ever get on Wheel of Fortune, I hope I'm pitted against two smurfs.

Funny name: Dhi Bui



I washed a peach and it became a nectarine.


Do you drink it with pasta puttanesca?

Whenever someone says to me “I wanna bowla soup,” I’m not sure if they’d like the meal, the weapon or the deadly monkey virus.

In the medical world, H1N1 =

In the gaming world, H1N1 = you’ve sunk my PT boat

For those of you who read Entertainment Weekly on a fairly regular basis:

In: Making fun of Timberlake
Out: Making fun of Kanye
Forever: Making fun of Bono

I’ll take famous hammers for 500.



I want to go to a club, but not one where I’d have to dress in ridiculous clothes, dance to bad remixes of worse music, drink watered down beverages, deal with douchey rich kids and pay a hefty fee just to enter the building.

I want to go to a bar.

I’m back.

Blogs are really only read by other bloggers. It’s a pathetic, incestuous gathering of depressed, megalomaniacal insomniacs that I have come to know well. And despite the lack of a shit given by the general public, there are as many weirdass blogs out there as there are weirdass people. I know they don’t all write, but those who do tend to be a little schizo. Here is a bit of music to listen to while I give you a quick rundown on what this dusty little corner of the internet has to offer:



Porn.

Animal porn.

Give us your bank account number and we’ll give you a free ipod.

Bored housewives with Blogger accounts. I mean porn.

Sign up to get people to read your blog.

Personal stories that only the writer finds witty.

Porn disguised as online dating.

Experts in their field that still live in their parents’ basement.

Occasionally a very interesting person.

Emo blogs written in broken English that declare “life is the shit.”

Celebrities, also known as porn for vacant people.

Christianity, also known as porn for vacant people. One had a beautiful, up close picture of a flower with the caption “Be still and know I am God.” The flower beared a striking resemblance to a hoo-hah.

One financial blog offered a daily tip: Save enough.

An article on George Harrison with this commented at the bottom:

I am in love and his name is Mr. Power Colon Cleanse http://tinyurl.com/PowerColonCleanse ! This is by far the best cleansing product available. I saw it on Oprah and thought I would give it a try. Power Colon Cleanse has pretty much changed the way I live my life. My daily chores are done in a breeze and I have more energy, not to mention more time in my day since I don't mind jumping out of bed in the mornings at 7:00 am now. This is not just a cleanser. It is also a detox. I can feel it working and have only been using it for 6 weeks. I owe my life to PowerColonCleanse

Seriously. You can’t make this shit up.

Welcome to my blog: the lowest form of written communication, just after the dry-erase marker on a sticky note shaped like the first letter of your name. This is what I write about:

Whenever someone talks about two people getting it on, they inevitably mimic porn music with a “Bow, chicka wow wow.” If I ever make a porno (and I am taking screenwriting classes), the soundtrack will just be me in the background with a microphone singing “Bow, chicka wow wow.”

Please press play and continue reading.



I haven’t shaved in a week. I’m cycling through Lord of the Rings characters as my beard fills in. Right now I’m Liv Tyler.

I’m not a fan of the Jonas Brothers, but I do have a purity cockring.

Pantaloons is a fun word. It sounds like a male-specific disease.

“Grant has a bad case of pantaloons. He can barely walk.”

A religious friend of mine recently said “I found my wallet! Praise Jesus!”

I’ll hold my tongue and let that one write itself.

Funny Name: Tom Puetz

The term, “nudist,” makes that person sound like an Olympic athlete.

“I’m a nudist.”
“Really? What event?”
“Streaking.”

I was riding my bike around Florin and decided to turn around when I reached the crack hoes and the Pick and Pull.

Wait. That was redundant.

For me, Father’s Day was a stark reminder of a life experience that I am missing out on. These days, more and more of my friends are blessed with a beautiful thing that I just don’t have:

A witty mug.

Some people are responsible for one simple job which they are unable to perform with any level of competence. I worked for one for several years. Here is another example:



I saw this idiot while on my way to San Francisco to star in the latest music video directed by the amazing Jon Pidgeon. A car stalled on the other side of the highway and instead of circling around to pick him up, the tow truck driver attempted to cross the V-shaped divide. At the time of this picture, the truck has already been completely beached, its rear tires spinning hopelessly in place. The driver is now getting out and wandering toward the back of his truck to see just what is keeping him from moving forward.

Money trumps natural selection.

Which beer goes best with cinnamon toast?

Hoegaarden.

Not witty, but funny to say. And useful for the next time you’re on a bender.

“Do you have any big plans for the weekend?”
“Yes! There’s a Spiderman ball over there and I need it!”

Graduation was fun, but there were parts in which I was glad I brought a book.

In the midst of the commotion at Arco Arena, I heard my mom long before I found her.

Now it’s starting to get awkward.

Why does graduation require cake? Cake is traditionally served at children’s birthday parties. Aren’t we supposed to mature and start liking truffles, tortes and pies?

I like pie.

But even I made cupcakes: Kahlua with a Bailey’s whipped cream and candied tangelo zest. And Maria made me chocolate cupcakes with buttercream frosting and sugar glaze animal shapes on top.

I’ve decided that my funeral will be catered. Or maybe a potluck, I haven’t decided which. I figured I’d better plan ahead, because I am going to be spending July in Fresno. Regardless, there will be cake.

“Cake or death?”

Cake and death.



I’ve taken time to relax now that school is over. Just last week, one of my roommates left the gas on and I spent most of the day sleeping.



In their defense, I should probably be mowing the lawn right now.

Ed McMahon is dead at the age of 86. He had a good run, but all those years of professional wrestling caught up to him in the end.

I hope Anthony Bourdain is lucky enough to die at 86.

That one was for all my peeps in the foodservice industry.

I’m so hungry I could eat a horse. If that horse is in a taco.

I don’t really know what it means, but I really want to fricassee something.

I love cooking and baking. I recently came up with a new type of cookie:


Snickerdoodle All Night Long

D'oh:
2 3/4 cups whole wheat flour (1)
½ teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter (2)
1 ½ cups sugar (3)
2 eggs (4)
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

Coating:
1/3 cup sugar (5)
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
2 teaspoons cocoa powder (6)
2 teaspoons finely ground espresso (7)

Directions:
In a large bowl whisk together the flour, salt, and baking powder.

Using your electric mixer (or your mind) beat the butter and sugar until smooth (about 3 minutes). Add the eggs and beat well. Scrape down the sides of the bowl. Beat in the vanilla extract. Slowly add the flour mixture and beat until you have a smooth dough. If the dough is too soft to form, cover and refrigerate for about a half an hour (8)

Preheat oven to 400 degrees and place rack in the center of the oven. Line two baking sheets with parchment paper or Silpat (9)

Shape the dough into 1 inch balls (10).

In a medium bowl whisk together the coating ingredients.

Roll the balls of dough one at a time in the coating and place on the baking sheets, spacing about 2 inches apart (11).

Using the bottom of a glass, flatten each ball to about ½ inch thick (12)

Bake the cookies for about 10-12 minutes, or until they are golden brown around the edges.

Remove from oven and place on a wire rack to cool (13).

Eat. Digest. Repeat.

Makes about 5 dozen cookies.

Annotations:
(1) I have used many kinds of flour, and King Arthur 100% whole wheat all natural unbleached is by far my favorite. You can use AP if you want, but I’m just saying. This way, it’s health food.

(2) From unsalted cows. Generally, you’ll want butter to be at room temperature in order to be of any use. You'll also want the room to be at room temperature.

(3) Extra fine pure cane baking sugar is best, but you can use anything here, as long as it’s sugar or PCP.

(4) Chicken.

(5) This is by nature a very soft cookie. I use coarse, untreated cane sugar to give the outside a slight crunch that compliments the texture of the rest of it (especially when warm and/or dunked in milk). But again, you can use whatever you want.

(6) I use unsweetened Dutch process cocoa. You’re already adding the sugar, so you might as well.

(7) Equator’s Jaguar blend is the best espresso I’ve ever had. It’s organic and fair trade and you can buy it here. I’ve only found it served at a place in Yountville called Gordon’s. Tell them Gordon sent you, and they just might look at you funny.

(8)


(9) I highly recommend buying a Silpat nonstick baking surface for your pan. It does a good job with consistent results, is reusable and easy to clean. Remind you of anyone? Ew.

(10) Hehe.

(11) Hehe. You can roll the balls with your hand, but I prefer to throw them in and swish the bowl around like you are sauteeing them. It’s a lot less work, and you feel like a real Mr. Hot Shit Chef. You can make little sizzling sounds while you’re doing this if you wish.

(12) I want to take this opportunity to apologize to all of the men who are reading this. Sorry Aram.

(13) If you leave them on the baking sheet for a minute first, they are less likely to break or deform in transportation. If you don’t have a wire rack, it’s ok if they cool completely on the pan. Just be sure if you’re using parchment paper to peal the paper from the cookie once it has cooled. If you peel the cookie from the paper, you will break a lot more of them. A spatula works pretty well, too.


That’s for all of you who think I don’t post anything useful.

And for Jess. Both of them :)

With regards to the new iPhone,



I miss Carlin like no other. You realize that they brought the interview to a hasty close when he started ripping on materialism and their sponsor in particular.

I’ll be buying a Blackberry when I get back from Fresno.

Spanish speakers: I know “mucho” is the direct translation for “a lot,” but what is the direct translation for “hella?”

Muah.

I walked into a store. “What do you have in a fake vomit?”

I walked into a Burger King. “Do you have any Spock collector’s cups? I need one for my girlfriend. No, seriously.”

I should stop making those jokes.

Ryan and Stef just got engaged. I think I speak for everyone when I say congratulations. It’s about fucking time.

I just caught the new Black Eyed Peas song. My god, do they suck.

My stepbrother just got a Catahoula leopard dog:



I want one. Muah.

The list of side-effects for Ambien keeps growing. The latest: suicide.

So, if you really need to sleep,

I was at work and an old lady persistently talked me up and tried to get these two girls to hook up with me after I ran to help another old lady who fell in the parking lot. That same day I got hit on by a lady cop.

Why does this only happen when I’m attached and therefore uninterested?

I use the Extreme Clean toothpaste because I’m a badass. And because I’m dirty.

Does Dr. Dre have gmail?

Yes. In the box in front of his house.

Blagojevich sounds like a made up name.



Scuba.

It isn’t over when the fat lady sings. It’s over when the lady with the half emptied glass of wine begins a sentence with, “You know, there’s research that shows...”

I just recorded a ukulele song that will make you scratch your head until you lose your mind. Keep an eye out, as I’ll be posting it soonish.

That’s what we call “creating a hook.” In this case, the hook is forged from old school metal.

I’ve been listening to a lot of dead rock stars lately: John Lennon, Thom Yorke’s left eye,

,

and this guy:

You are missed.