I’m back.

Blogs are really only read by other bloggers. It’s a pathetic, incestuous gathering of depressed, megalomaniacal insomniacs that I have come to know well. And despite the lack of a shit given by the general public, there are as many weirdass blogs out there as there are weirdass people. I know they don’t all write, but those who do tend to be a little schizo. Here is a bit of music to listen to while I give you a quick rundown on what this dusty little corner of the internet has to offer:



Porn.

Animal porn.

Give us your bank account number and we’ll give you a free ipod.

Bored housewives with Blogger accounts. I mean porn.

Sign up to get people to read your blog.

Personal stories that only the writer finds witty.

Porn disguised as online dating.

Experts in their field that still live in their parents’ basement.

Occasionally a very interesting person.

Emo blogs written in broken English that declare “life is the shit.”

Celebrities, also known as porn for vacant people.

Christianity, also known as porn for vacant people. One had a beautiful, up close picture of a flower with the caption “Be still and know I am God.” The flower beared a striking resemblance to a hoo-hah.

One financial blog offered a daily tip: Save enough.

An article on George Harrison with this commented at the bottom:

I am in love and his name is Mr. Power Colon Cleanse http://tinyurl.com/PowerColonCleanse ! This is by far the best cleansing product available. I saw it on Oprah and thought I would give it a try. Power Colon Cleanse has pretty much changed the way I live my life. My daily chores are done in a breeze and I have more energy, not to mention more time in my day since I don't mind jumping out of bed in the mornings at 7:00 am now. This is not just a cleanser. It is also a detox. I can feel it working and have only been using it for 6 weeks. I owe my life to PowerColonCleanse

Seriously. You can’t make this shit up.

Welcome to my blog: the lowest form of written communication, just after the dry-erase marker on a sticky note shaped like the first letter of your name. This is what I write about:

Whenever someone talks about two people getting it on, they inevitably mimic porn music with a “Bow, chicka wow wow.” If I ever make a porno (and I am taking screenwriting classes), the soundtrack will just be me in the background with a microphone singing “Bow, chicka wow wow.”

Please press play and continue reading.



I haven’t shaved in a week. I’m cycling through Lord of the Rings characters as my beard fills in. Right now I’m Liv Tyler.

I’m not a fan of the Jonas Brothers, but I do have a purity cockring.

Pantaloons is a fun word. It sounds like a male-specific disease.

“Grant has a bad case of pantaloons. He can barely walk.”

A religious friend of mine recently said “I found my wallet! Praise Jesus!”

I’ll hold my tongue and let that one write itself.

Funny Name: Tom Puetz

The term, “nudist,” makes that person sound like an Olympic athlete.

“I’m a nudist.”
“Really? What event?”
“Streaking.”

I was riding my bike around Florin and decided to turn around when I reached the crack hoes and the Pick and Pull.

Wait. That was redundant.

For me, Father’s Day was a stark reminder of a life experience that I am missing out on. These days, more and more of my friends are blessed with a beautiful thing that I just don’t have:

A witty mug.

Some people are responsible for one simple job which they are unable to perform with any level of competence. I worked for one for several years. Here is another example:



I saw this idiot while on my way to San Francisco to star in the latest music video directed by the amazing Jon Pidgeon. A car stalled on the other side of the highway and instead of circling around to pick him up, the tow truck driver attempted to cross the V-shaped divide. At the time of this picture, the truck has already been completely beached, its rear tires spinning hopelessly in place. The driver is now getting out and wandering toward the back of his truck to see just what is keeping him from moving forward.

Money trumps natural selection.

Which beer goes best with cinnamon toast?

Hoegaarden.

Not witty, but funny to say. And useful for the next time you’re on a bender.

“Do you have any big plans for the weekend?”
“Yes! There’s a Spiderman ball over there and I need it!”

Graduation was fun, but there were parts in which I was glad I brought a book.

In the midst of the commotion at Arco Arena, I heard my mom long before I found her.

Now it’s starting to get awkward.

Why does graduation require cake? Cake is traditionally served at children’s birthday parties. Aren’t we supposed to mature and start liking truffles, tortes and pies?

I like pie.

But even I made cupcakes: Kahlua with a Bailey’s whipped cream and candied tangelo zest. And Maria made me chocolate cupcakes with buttercream frosting and sugar glaze animal shapes on top.

I’ve decided that my funeral will be catered. Or maybe a potluck, I haven’t decided which. I figured I’d better plan ahead, because I am going to be spending July in Fresno. Regardless, there will be cake.

“Cake or death?”

Cake and death.



I’ve taken time to relax now that school is over. Just last week, one of my roommates left the gas on and I spent most of the day sleeping.



In their defense, I should probably be mowing the lawn right now.

Ed McMahon is dead at the age of 86. He had a good run, but all those years of professional wrestling caught up to him in the end.

I hope Anthony Bourdain is lucky enough to die at 86.

That one was for all my peeps in the foodservice industry.

I’m so hungry I could eat a horse. If that horse is in a taco.

I don’t really know what it means, but I really want to fricassee something.

I love cooking and baking. I recently came up with a new type of cookie:


Snickerdoodle All Night Long

D'oh:
2 3/4 cups whole wheat flour (1)
½ teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter (2)
1 ½ cups sugar (3)
2 eggs (4)
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

Coating:
1/3 cup sugar (5)
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
2 teaspoons cocoa powder (6)
2 teaspoons finely ground espresso (7)

Directions:
In a large bowl whisk together the flour, salt, and baking powder.

Using your electric mixer (or your mind) beat the butter and sugar until smooth (about 3 minutes). Add the eggs and beat well. Scrape down the sides of the bowl. Beat in the vanilla extract. Slowly add the flour mixture and beat until you have a smooth dough. If the dough is too soft to form, cover and refrigerate for about a half an hour (8)

Preheat oven to 400 degrees and place rack in the center of the oven. Line two baking sheets with parchment paper or Silpat (9)

Shape the dough into 1 inch balls (10).

In a medium bowl whisk together the coating ingredients.

Roll the balls of dough one at a time in the coating and place on the baking sheets, spacing about 2 inches apart (11).

Using the bottom of a glass, flatten each ball to about ½ inch thick (12)

Bake the cookies for about 10-12 minutes, or until they are golden brown around the edges.

Remove from oven and place on a wire rack to cool (13).

Eat. Digest. Repeat.

Makes about 5 dozen cookies.

Annotations:
(1) I have used many kinds of flour, and King Arthur 100% whole wheat all natural unbleached is by far my favorite. You can use AP if you want, but I’m just saying. This way, it’s health food.

(2) From unsalted cows. Generally, you’ll want butter to be at room temperature in order to be of any use. You'll also want the room to be at room temperature.

(3) Extra fine pure cane baking sugar is best, but you can use anything here, as long as it’s sugar or PCP.

(4) Chicken.

(5) This is by nature a very soft cookie. I use coarse, untreated cane sugar to give the outside a slight crunch that compliments the texture of the rest of it (especially when warm and/or dunked in milk). But again, you can use whatever you want.

(6) I use unsweetened Dutch process cocoa. You’re already adding the sugar, so you might as well.

(7) Equator’s Jaguar blend is the best espresso I’ve ever had. It’s organic and fair trade and you can buy it here. I’ve only found it served at a place in Yountville called Gordon’s. Tell them Gordon sent you, and they just might look at you funny.

(8)


(9) I highly recommend buying a Silpat nonstick baking surface for your pan. It does a good job with consistent results, is reusable and easy to clean. Remind you of anyone? Ew.

(10) Hehe.

(11) Hehe. You can roll the balls with your hand, but I prefer to throw them in and swish the bowl around like you are sauteeing them. It’s a lot less work, and you feel like a real Mr. Hot Shit Chef. You can make little sizzling sounds while you’re doing this if you wish.

(12) I want to take this opportunity to apologize to all of the men who are reading this. Sorry Aram.

(13) If you leave them on the baking sheet for a minute first, they are less likely to break or deform in transportation. If you don’t have a wire rack, it’s ok if they cool completely on the pan. Just be sure if you’re using parchment paper to peal the paper from the cookie once it has cooled. If you peel the cookie from the paper, you will break a lot more of them. A spatula works pretty well, too.


That’s for all of you who think I don’t post anything useful.

And for Jess. Both of them :)

With regards to the new iPhone,



I miss Carlin like no other. You realize that they brought the interview to a hasty close when he started ripping on materialism and their sponsor in particular.

I’ll be buying a Blackberry when I get back from Fresno.

Spanish speakers: I know “mucho” is the direct translation for “a lot,” but what is the direct translation for “hella?”

Muah.

I walked into a store. “What do you have in a fake vomit?”

I walked into a Burger King. “Do you have any Spock collector’s cups? I need one for my girlfriend. No, seriously.”

I should stop making those jokes.

Ryan and Stef just got engaged. I think I speak for everyone when I say congratulations. It’s about fucking time.

I just caught the new Black Eyed Peas song. My god, do they suck.

My stepbrother just got a Catahoula leopard dog:



I want one. Muah.

The list of side-effects for Ambien keeps growing. The latest: suicide.

So, if you really need to sleep,

I was at work and an old lady persistently talked me up and tried to get these two girls to hook up with me after I ran to help another old lady who fell in the parking lot. That same day I got hit on by a lady cop.

Why does this only happen when I’m attached and therefore uninterested?

I use the Extreme Clean toothpaste because I’m a badass. And because I’m dirty.

Does Dr. Dre have gmail?

Yes. In the box in front of his house.

Blagojevich sounds like a made up name.



Scuba.

It isn’t over when the fat lady sings. It’s over when the lady with the half emptied glass of wine begins a sentence with, “You know, there’s research that shows...”

I just recorded a ukulele song that will make you scratch your head until you lose your mind. Keep an eye out, as I’ll be posting it soonish.

That’s what we call “creating a hook.” In this case, the hook is forged from old school metal.

I’ve been listening to a lot of dead rock stars lately: John Lennon, Thom Yorke’s left eye,

,

and this guy:

You are missed.

RIP, Grasshopper.

If you haven’t stopped reading this, now would be a good time.

Funny name: Holly Schmidt

Of all the offensive crap I’ve posted, I finally got an image removed by Photobucket. And would you believe it was that one of Bono with his hands down his pants:



There’s plenty of more offensive shit on here. Like that picture of the pope.

I gave up Christianity for Lent, and now I have no idea when to start back up again.

Even within that post I have a sock monkey with genitalia, a hooded weiner, a citrus reamer, numerous cock references, the Jonas Brothers and a man who straight up looks like a dick.

And a video showing the horrific effects of war on children. But that’s not offensive at all.

I’ve had a lot of newcomers to the blog

so I feel I need to explain something:

The Jonas Brothers look like pubes.

I like how hundreds of people looked at the site and only 4 of them came back later.

Really, though? Bono adjusting his man junk is too much? In the post before that, he’s the recipient of an inter-species golden shower.

Me-wow.

I was also banned by a blog database for having offensive content a mere two days after I registered. If you find me offensive, you need to learn German and explore the internet a bit more thoroughly.

Am I the only one who thinks that anyone who hires a life coach is better off spending the money on a life?

I want to put on a concert, but I don’t want to pay anyone. I wonder if I could get Cher pro-Bono.

Too early? Should I let you grieve another 11 years?

I’d ask for U2 pro-Bono, but then people would question my sexuality.

David Carradine was found hung in a hotel room in Bangkok. He also killed himself.

Well, balls. David Carradine as himself plays an integral role in the script I’m writing.

It’s probably for the best. If he didn’t want to kill himself before, he would have after shooting my movie.

We have now lost two great ones: Bruce Lee and the man who unwittingly stole the lead in Kung Fu away from Bruce Lee.

I don’t read USA Today because Kirstie Alley’s weight is a front page story.

The fun thing about blogs is that you get to read people’s dairy.



Funny word:
Cacophony (n) - The point at which the London Philharmonic becomes gay porn

The Killers totally ripped off Mitch Hedberg with their song, “Human.”

They recently played on Letterman and had a harp onstage. Mothers, hide your daughters.

“What are they tuning, a harp? I thought we were a big, rich, rock band. We should a whole bunch of extra guitars.”
- K. Cobain

I was cleaning out my garage and the ice cream truck driver slowed down for me.

Leno’s last Tonight Show was last week, and I missed it. I mean, I didn’t really miss it. You know.

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been in the business, the first taping as host of the Tonight Show must be nerve wracking as hell. If you pay close attention, it looks like Conan was on a crap ton of Finasteride at the time.

Don’t be a douche. Finasteride is a chemical for hair growth.

And my online handle at malesexbuddies.com.

If only my girlfriend knew.

I would get so lucky.

Regardless of network and time slot, Craig is still funnier.

Regional Sacramento news: If you haven’t already, pick up the latest copy of the SN&R and read the submissions for their flash fiction contest. Then find Jason Conde and congratulate him for winning both second place and honorable mention.

Elk Grove is the kind of city that cuts down a huge tree to make room for a new, metal overhang at a bus stop.

I’m gonna rise up, gonna kick a little ass. Gonna kick some ass in the USA. Gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I’m gonna kick some butt, gonna drive a big truck. I’m gonna rule this world. I’m gonna kick some ass. I’m gonna rise up, gonna kick a little ass. ROCK, FLAG, and EAGLE!



It’s ok, though. They painted the overhang green.

In order to protest the way the government has been spending money, many conservatives have been sending their representatives tea bags, hoping to invoke the protest of the Boston Tea Party.

They are calling this “teabagging.”

Seriously. You can’t make that shit up.

That’s mildly ironic, coming from a group who is traditionally against homosexuality.

“If Osama Bin Laden had been making illegal tax deductions, his ass would be in jail right now.”
-Craig Ferguson, man with testicles.

A picture of the recession can be seen on Stockton Blvd. just south of Florin: A realtor’s office with a “Space Available” sign on the lawn.

The other picture of the recession can be seen in the group of young women comparing how cute each other’s credit cards are.

If you think you’re depressed, George Clinton has been in a funk since 1941.

You should expect that kind of lame, vaudevillian humor from me by now.

If I’m a vaudevillian, who is the vaudehero?

Seriously, why do you even read this?



I’m afraid of failing a Rorschach Test. What does that say about me?

Ladies, I’m sure you will agree. Here is a picture of the perfect man:

:p

I heard the pie in the face gag was big during vaudeville.

I don’t have a man crush, or a celebrity crush for that matter. But if I had to pick someone, it would probably be the late Mitch Hedberg because a sense of humor is very important to me. That, and I really like long hair. And boobs.

Gran Torino comes out on DVD next Tuesday. It’s pretty good, but I’d have to say my favorite Clint Eastwood movie is Back to the Future 3.

Get off my century.

I was listening to the Goodbye Yellow Brick Road LP the other day when I noticed on the jacket that Elton John did not write the lyrics. Maybe I’m a bit late coming to this realization, but this turns my world upside down. You mean he didn’t write that song about Marilyn Monroe? And he didn’t write Jamaica Jerk Off, either?

The new Eels is pretty much what you’d expect from a guy with more beard than face: Awesome.

The next record I’m really excited about is Battle for the Sun, by Placebo.

Regional Sacramento joke: I turned off that god awful new ‘90s radio station to put in Weezer.

Regional Sacramento joke: Citrus Heights.

Regional Sacto joke:


I find it appropriate that my town shares the name of every punch line on America’s Funniest Home Videos.

I don't think we've had enough of that yet:



After 17 miles on the seat of an old Peugot 12 speed, I can see how Frenchmen talk that way.

If I started a cookbook publishing house, I would name it First Cold Press.

I’m almost sorry if you’re nerdy enough to get that one.

I have to commend Mexicans for making their food so easy to freeze and heat up later. That’s thinking ahead.

Microwavable frozen burrito > Microwavable frozen ham sandwich.

You know what else is good? Siracha.

Mmm...

They are now making gummy vitamins for adults. I’m going to miss throwing down the entire Flinstones clan every morning.

Free million dollar idea: Gummy vitamins for seniors.

I’m pretty sure the Flinstones ate actual vitamins.

Flinstones vitamins teach kids about the conservation of matter.

My college education at work.

I made and mailed cookies to someone who was gracious enough to post my banner on her website. Believe it.

Thank you Jess. And thanks again Javier. Because of your efforts, I’m really moving up in the world.

Sorry, Charlize. I’m spoken for.

Fucked up name:

+

=


Don’t hate me. Hate her parents.

Funny name: Helen Phelan.

Good luck ever holding public office, Helen.

She is the little known older sister of Miss Demeanor on Carmen Sandiego.

“Miss Demeanor on Carmen Sandiego” is the name of a movie I once accidentally rented 12 times.

Ah, nerd porn.







Awkward silence.

Uh oh.

I am very happy with my life right now. I just graduated after 7 years of college, my idiot idiot boss got fired, I’m starting a wonderful new career in a field I enjoy and I have an amazing new girlfriend whose sense of humor is every bit as sick as mine. That should be a red flag for those of you reading this. It’s usually when an artist becomes content that they begin to suck ass. If you don’t believe me, pick up any of the recent Staind or Papa Roach records. That being said, I apologize profusely for what you are about to read. Any and all hate mail can be sent directly to Yoko.

Happy Memorial Day. For those who don’t know, today is the day in which we pause to remember stuff. What exactly, I don’t quite remember.


Whoa.

I just graduated alongside a 92 year old woman. She got her degree in history.

That’s cheating. I guess she really didn’t want to read the book.

Graduation was a wealth of funny names, including: Chia-Ching Yen, Greg Alicious and Andrew B. Stiffler.

I love my new job. Especially when I get to turn down a query from a psychic.

As for my own writing, I’m still working to push the boundaries. Still trying to italicize a period.

Unfortunately, they don’t always understand what I’m trying to do. So far, 5 people including a professional reader and a professor/published author have read my story, and none of them know what exactly to make of it.

Is it the way I describe things? I know commercial writers may describe a particular character as a “stoner,” while some literary writers may say “chemical wasteland.” I say “pharmaceutical testing facility.”

No, I think it’s the lack of a clear plot. That must be it.

Do you want to know what writer’s block looks like? No, I will not include a picture of a cube that has been written on. I’m not one to stoop to cheap sight gags.



No, writer’s block looks something like this: “To create a screenplay from a printed work is to perform a unique metamorphosis of art which employs the written word in an attempt to translate the written word into a much more primal, audio/visual medium. It is nebulous and constricted. And has explosions and shit.”

This blog is a bit like watching a skydiving Wyle E Coyote pulling the ripcord and an anvil popping out. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I overheard two blind people talking about cooking. I wasn’t impressed until their conversation turned to the latest episode of Lost.

Matthew McConaughey found his calling as an operator at a suicide help line.

I actually kinda hope you don’t get that one.

TV and radio ads where the announcers seem excited and happy about going out of business sales are probably being read by the CEOs who have simply snapped. It’s not like they have the money for announcers, anyway.

“I went to pay for a meal, and the cash was declined.”
-Letterman

Wait a minute. Now that my boss is fired, does that mean the end of English mishaps by the native English speaking management at my work?

Bougets (n) - Magic nose goblins from little girls.

I feel kinda like how comedians must have felt when George Bush left office.

Balls. This means I’ll have to look outside of work for stuff like that.

This is where they keep the tigers.


You can’t really read the label, but it says “Citrus Reamer.” That’s kinda how it was working for that bitch.


Ok, not an English mishap. Just funny.

Hehe. Hooded weiner.

I also got a Captcha that said “Blackie.” Apparently, we still have a ways to go.

Eminem couldn’t stay retired. That’s no surprise, considering how hardcore he is. I mean, look at his recent promo shots and the amount of makeup he’s wearing.

I really have no right to say anything about that.

I don’t have any tattoos, but I almost got one when Tupac got shot.

Thug Death.

Sparklehorse and Danger Mouse just teamed up with James Mercer of The Shins, The Flaming Lips, Gruff Rhys of Super Furry Animals, Jason Lytle of Grandaddy, Julian Casablancas of The Strokes, Frank Black of the Pixies, Iggy Pop, Nina Persson of The Cardigans, Suzanne Vega, Vic Chesnutt, David Lynch, and Scott Spillane of Neutral Milk Hotel and The Gerbils. Unfortunately, due to legal reasons, the record may never reach stores.

But you can stream it in it’s entirety here.

Bring a change of pants.

There’s also a link on that page to a recent Animal Collective show. I highly recommend that, too.

Regional Sacramento joke: Is today when we remember KWOD radio?

The Jonas Brothers should cover Weezer.

On second thought, they should cover their mouths.

My goal in life is to one day buy moustache wax.

I pay for my own internet, but there are certain places in the house where I can, if I so choose, tap into my neighbor’s unsecured wireless network. This gives me all sorts of entertaining possibilities. Like access to their printer at 2am.

Yet another reason I am a massive nerd: Whenever I am forced to type underlined text (and I do hate it, btw), I will only have the section of words underlined. The punctuation at the end of the sentence or the space after the final underlined word within a sentence can not be underlined, though both MS Word and WordPerfect like to make it very difficult to avoid.

I do not, however, go back and remove the underline from the spaces between underlined words. That too is annoying as hell. If you do that, you need help, you anal fuck.

Bollywood has long surpassed Hollywood as the world’s most prolific cinematic city. In similar fashion, the San Fernando Valley has just been outdone by Stikkit, India.

Not to be outdone, the US is amassing a comeback based in Stikkit, Indiana.


+

+

=
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"Has Rolls" is another inside joke I'll miss now that my boss is gone.

The female brown trout fakes orgasms in order to find the most potent mate.



What is the Catholic Church’s stance on fertility drugs? They hate birth control, and this is essentially the same thing with the opposite results.



With that in mind, all you grateful new parents whose prayers have been answered by the miracle of modern science are heathens. Your children are bastards and you’ve been praying to Satan.

Just once I want to meet someone who prays to Stan.

“Here’s how bad the economy is: they’re watering down the holy water.”
-Letterman

Nobody has any money anymore, but everyone has a Bluetooth.

And yet, nobody refers to them collectively as “Blueteeth.”

I saw the world’s most ghetto Bluetooth: a woman stuffed her cellphone halfway into her burqua.

Is that ghetto or resourceful? You decide.

To give you a point of reference, a 94 Honda CRX sitting on 13s with a Dub sticker is undoubtably ghetto.

Linkin Park has a new song on the Transformers 2 soundtrack. Appropriately enough, it sounds just like their song on the Transformers 1 soundtrack.

Whenever I self-checkout and bring my own bag, they always look at me like I’m stealing something.

Come on. I shaved and everything.

If you just read “Come on. I shaved everything,” I love you.


Doesn’t this man look like a penis?



You know what they say, you are what you finger.

I know this kinda plays into their hands, but I could not resist posting the flyer some dude handed me outside of Safeway the other day:

Hire Contractors who directly/indirectly Fail to Pay Area Standards is actually quite tasty.


I’m sure everyone laughed at Lincoln when he agreed to take time from his presidential duties to pose with a giant coffee mug marked “brand x.”

“Just imagine all of the people he could’ve freed had he not wasted such time on that photo,” they said. Well, I think they’re eating (or maybe even drinking) their words now.

I just want to know why exactly the carpenters’ union hates Starbucks? It’s not like cheaper coffee is driving them out of business. In fact, it allows them to still get the morning perk they need to do their jobs well, even in tough economic times.

I, for one, am proud as hell to be an American who has never told an Octomom joke.

You may have noticed American Idol recently being all over the 11:00 news, on the internet news sites, discussed over coffee at Starbucks, etc. It all leaves me with one question:

Aren’t we at war?

If that wasn’t enough, they recently devoted air time to a young girl who was “sidelined from the cheerleading squad.” Isn’t that where she wants to be? On the sidelines?

In case you’re wondering, she said “like” three times in her one sentence comment, destroying all cheerleader stereotypes.

Another regional Sacramento joke: I’m not certain, but I’m pretty confident the weatherman screams “delta breeze” during sex.

“Uggs” are named after an ancient aboriginal term, meaning “unnecessary.”

The funny thing about this is that women are probably lining up to buy it.

So, what do you think?

You feeling lucky?