They are. And they do.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Miss me?

Sorry about the lack of real updates. I’m an obsessive compulsive procrastinator.

When you sneeze and fart at the same time, you’re never quite sure of what’s going to happen.

Yes, it’s good to be back.

Did you know Schwinn makes a stationary bicycle? It’s a regular bicycle that sits in your garage because you’re too lazy to ride it.

We should form a stationary bike gang. Just a group of friends to come over and eat gummy bears in front of the TV.

Crabtree is persisting
. When that happens, you generally get a stronger ointment.

Scotch Whiskey (n) - Whiskey that just doesn’t see the point in you spending so much money

Who does the stork fuck?

Being a writer sometimes means looking at a story and thinking “I need to make a baby.”

I absolutely love it when someone complaining about the lack of spell check software misspells the word “typo.”

I meant to type, “Where my Dad hangs his suits” but instead typed, “Where my Dad hangs his shit.” That’s a bit of a slip for someone who is pretending to be 8 years old.

I have an idea for a better TV show: Family Freud

My shit is stuff.

Overheard gem: “My friend, LeBron, only she’s white and a woman.”

I don’t have biceps. I have lesbianceps.

To be honest, I’m a bit scared to fuck an opera singer.

I miss being away from the real world, but I don’t miss Fresno. For those of you who have never been, it’s kinda like the other valleys in California. Except where Napa has wine, Fresno has raisins.

And it is the only city I know of that is consistently described as “The devil’s (insert orifice here).”

And the devil apparently has all of the orifices.

Why are churches shaped like hats? Did God used to work at Lids in the mall?

That would explain the uniform:


Oops. No. I meant:


Recycling jokes is fun.


The following makes me lose hope in humanity:

The 10:00 news reporting on a Facebook group.

That Facebook group trying to keep the Lodi city council from eradicating their tradition of

Opening their meetings with a prayer to Jesus

Oh, christ.

I’m almost certain that Cannibal Corpse was a Christian band.

Necrophiliacs are just looking for posthumous organ donors.

Contraceptive (n) - Someone who is generally warm to the idea of playing old video games.

Ladies, do you want to know how to please a man?

Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A B A Select Start.

40 lives = long time.

Overheard gem: “I love you. My whole world revolves around you. Blah blah blah.”

Perfection is when the kid at Safeway throwing a tantrum and screaming at his mother, “I don’t wanna go to the store! I don’t wanna go to the store!” does so while standing in front of the condoms.

I got all up in Greenhaven’s pocket last week. There was a sign that read, “It takes a whole community to raise a child,” followed by one that read “If you can dream it, you can do it,” followed by a fire station advertising a safe place to abandon your baby.

I had a dream in which I had an incredible idea for something to write here, but I didn’t write it down, and when I woke up, it was gone.

Always take notes.

Someone recently challenged me to a duel because we share the same last name. I win by default, because my first name isn’t Jed.

But he just got engaged, so I guess he wins.

Given my family’s history of heart disease, I’ve been cooking healthier foods. Today I made a sandwich with lean meats, plenty of veggies and fresh-baked bread. On the side: Cheetos.

I sure hope Obama’s reforming health care during a recession doesn’t amount to “An apple a day...”


Health food = filtered water used to cook fat-free hot dogs smothered in chili and cheese.

I love all dairy products except for the smell emanated by the actual dairy.

The cow is just a tasty animal. Even its secretions lead to yummy goodness.

Menudo, however, is a failure in inductive reasoning.

So is veganism.

Am I the only one who sees a parallel in religions and eating habits? Certain people are just gluttons for punishment.

I passed by Albertaco’s Mexican Food. If your name is Albertaco, then you’ve found your calling.

Funny work email name: Pam Horn shortened to

I feel sorry for strippers. This economy needs to turn around so they can go back to fighting fires.

I got a Blackberry for work. I named it RIMjob.

I’m in the midst of some work-related craziness. It's kinda like when you run a marathon and then they say "Nice warm up lap" and put up hurdles and strap sandbags to your ankles and blindfold you and spin you around and then you're all like "What the shit? Bring it on!"

I've heard someone refer to their job as "giving birth," but I think that's a bit of a stretch.

It’s ok if you don’t like me anymore.

I've come to terms with that.

I was talking to an old lady who was recovering from a stroke, and I felt a sneeze coming on. She kept on talking and I didn’t want to appear rude or, god forbid, sneeze on her. So I held it in. She thought I was making fun of her and got all pissed.

I didn't go see Seinfeld when he was in in town, and I'm ok with that.

This is what we call a “before” pic.

I didn't go see Mitch when he was in town, and I'm forever kicking myself for that.

Exfoliated sounds a lot more violent than it is. It sounds like a synonym for scalping.

We were in the gorge and they surrounded us. They descended upon Johnson. They exfoliated him. The savages.

Sometimes when I’m stuck at a traffic light, I do weird things with my tongue just in case the person in the car next to me is looking.

I booked a flight on Southwest Airlines just to hear them say, “Please turn off your electronic devices. As of Tuesday, our plane is one.”

Perhaps my favorite part about flying is wasting tons of gas trying to find economy parking.

A friend just told me that "Most things happen in the first 5 minutes and the last 8 minutes of a flight, so sit near an exit, be alert, don't fall asleep or read, or anything like that." The last time my plane took off, I was reading Nietzsche rant about how there is no god.


Sounds like he frequents

The band down the street is playing a song I heard in the supermarket yesterday. Minus 5 rock points.




Bowls are unnecessary if you have a really large spoon.

Spooning leads to forking. And if you read Shakespeare, forking leads to knifing.

I randomly ran into someone from high school who appears to have developed an eating disorder since then. I’m glad to see he’s finally doing something with his life.

When a Mexican woman asks her husband for oral.

I hope I don’t take so long to get back to you again. But if I do, remember. It’s not the size of the time, it’s the notion of devotion.


Come jiggle with me.