They are. And they do.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Just Push Play




















You have just been
















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Uke Rolled.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Fup Duck

Jesus went to a Christmas party and brought home a duck. It was a white elephant affair. The duck, named Fup, was psychic and could recite people’s thoughts by rhythmically tapping his feet. But neither Jesus nor his friends new Morse Code and the duck couldn’t roll his R’s. So when Jesus fell ill, there was no way for him to know the doctor was a quack.


Original artwork by: Aram Fresh

Sunday, April 12, 2009

"Could you imagine if this was really happening?"

-Steven Wright

Easter is that magical time of year when giant rabbits with thumbs fuck chickens who lay eggs that contain our lord and savior and if you’re lucky, a miniature Reese’s cup. And if Jesus sees his shadow, it’s 40 more days of shuffling and moaning through Mexico looking for human flesh or maybe a piece of bread.

Easter doesn’t seem to care much about the type of bird, as long as it lays eggs. There are decorations with chickens, ducks, etc.

Duck should be the past tense of dick.

But if every bird is allowed, I’d like to see the Easter Emu. That would make things festive. Emu eggs look exactly like giant avocados. And guacamole is a much bigger hit at parties than egg salad.

That would open the door to a nearly month-long celebration of Cinco de Mayo. I think that’s exactly what this country needs: massive piñata sales to kick-start the economy. Unless the piñatas are made in Mexico. Then we'd be in an even deeper hole and have our children bail out the domestic piñata manufacturers.

But even with a month, I doubt they’d sell as much beer as they do on Mother’s Day.

Seriously. More beer sold than on any other holiday.

Driving home at night, I often see an orange cat running across the neighbor’s yard. For the past couple of weeks, the cat has disappeared. In its place: an orange rabbit. What happened? Transmogrification? Not likely. Maybe the rabbit ate the cat. That must be it. If there’s one thing rabbits are famous for, it’s liking pussy.

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Hot.

Remember when they made you keep a journal in elementary school and some of the kids just used that time and space to make a list of their friends? "I lik Amy and Erin and Jessie and April and Nikki and Heather and Robin and Shelby and Alicia and Kimmy and Christine and Mia and Heidi and Belinda and Jenny and Cole." Even then, I remember thinking, "Ha! You lick all those people? Skank."

And now one of them is set for life after inventing Facebook.

People I can do without: Anyone who thinks they need to wear pastels in the spring, can't wear black and brown together, etc.

So, what are you dressing up as for Easter? I’ve been working on my costume for a while now. It’s the same person I went as for Christmas.

The beard has actually gotten a bit out of control. I look like this:
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I’m thinking of cutting it off. The beard, I mean.

Should I, though? I’d like your honest opinion here. Is it hot? Yes. Warm, at least. And it does a good job of hiding when I’m laughing at you.

So, yes? No? I just don’t want to become the kind of person you wouldn’t want near your kids.

Easter dinner this year is at my brother’s house. You’re all invited. My German mother is making enchiladas. If I was hosting, we would watch Dawn of the Dead and maybe roast a Lamb.

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Kyle. In a wind tunnel. With Sarah Palin’s glasses.

I kick ass at Clue.

Colonel Sanders. In the kitchen. With a chicken.

Pilate. On a hill. With a cross.

Some people try to get around swearing by saying, “God bless it!” This is a weak cover. If you aren’t fooling me, chances are you aren’t fooling a supposedly omniscient being. And even if you are, you’re still taking the lord’s name in vain.

Once again, I don’t hate religious people. They can be some of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. But they can do stupid shit sometimes:
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That's not really funny.

My work sells a cookie that looks exactly like Bunnicula. You remember that one? The fuzzy little thing with big ears, weird eyes and sharp teeth that likes to hop around at night and suck the juice out of carrots?

No, I will not take this opportunity to post a pic of my ex girlfriend. I’m a gentleman.

Women with butterfly tattoos are just jealous that’s not how their chest hair comes in.

The correct response to an adult woman in a Hello Kitty dress is: “I twat I taw a putty tat.”

Ladies, what are you doing wearing that kind of clothing outdoors? It’s not sexy as much as it is excessive. It shows a lack of judgment, poor morals and a degenerate personality. Your mother would be ashamed. Show some self-control.

Who else contracted a disease while on spring break? I got the rhinovirus.

I know someone who spent the break in Minnesota. Apparently, he was filming "Girls Gone Reasonable."

For those of you still on spring break, Hefeweizen makes a good morning beer.

And you suckers who still live in Napa, would you recommend the Bordeaux or the Rioja with the buttered popcorn?

I’m serious about the Hefeweizen thing. It’s a proper breakfast. It’s like tea and toast, except there is no tea and the toast is a liquid. And if it was brewed with whole-grain wheat, it’s also good for your heart.

Our smuggling mass quantities of arms into Mexico has caused an outbreak of violence and a state of unrest. And the only people we're sending across the border other than arms dealers and thugs are drunken frat kids. They really should build a wall.

Another example of language hiccups by the native English speakers at work:
European Dutch Coffee.

Really? Like opposed to Asian Dutch or Australian Dutch? Actually, it’s more of a South American Dutch, if you want to get technical.

Another one of our coffee flavors is Vanilla Nut Cream. What a weird coincidence. That’s my rap name.

You down with VNC? Yeah, you know me.

It’s better than using my initials to make a rap name: Gizzle Wizzle. I actually kinda like that.

Don’t underestimate my G-ness.

I followed an armored truck that had printed on back, “We reward safe driving,” and then a phone number. I copied down the number, because I’m not one to pass up a good opportunity for employment. I’ll certainly need it if anyone from work reads this.

Penalize (v) - I think you know where I’m going with this.

Working in a European bakery, we should sell Chocolate Mussolini.

I always love it when a kid comes up to me and asks for a chocolate mouse.

When an adult asks for a chocolate mouse, I want to punch them in the face.
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Whenever someone learns that I’m an English major, their inevitable first question is, “Do you want to teach?” No. I don’t. There are other things that I can do with a degree in English. Maybe. Hopefully. Probably not. I guess I’d better get used to teaching.

The first lesson is how to begin a proper business letter:

Dear Pimp or Madam:

Be sure to use the colon. It doesn’t cost extra.

But if you were writing a letter to, say, your girlfriend, you should always give her a comma. It’s the gentlemanly thing to do. And I actually like it. A lot. You may be tempted to use the colon. Resist. Or at least ask her first. We don’t want anyone inadvertently getting hurt.

When my neighbors speak Korean, one of their common sayings sounds like, “Fuck yeah!” I honestly want to know what this means. Are they just really enthusiastic?

Ok. This name just might take the cake: Rene Farkass.

I usually meet Rene You-Want-To-What-Ew-No-That’s-Gross-You-Sick-Fuck-What-Makes-You-Think-I’d-Actually-Like-That-Get-Out-Of-My-House-You-Hairy-Bastard.

She’s been married a lot.

I just turned in a serious, academic essay entitled “Flashing The Author: How Reading Can Get You Lucky.”

Here’s an urban myth for you: You know why bike seats have that groove in the center of the ass pads? That’s for the vena scrotalis to rest in whenever a guy is riding the bike. If there wasn’t that space, pressure would build up, eventually causing the balls to explode.

Have you ever taken a really long bike ride? I believe it.

An omelette is a baby om.

Few things scare me. The fuzzy toilet lid yamaka is one of them. Depending upon the make and model of your unit, the shag often keeps the seat from staying up for those precious few seconds. And when you’re in full stream and you see that seat start to fall, the world goes in slow motion before getting a lot messier. Sometimes, it’ll even drag the lid down with it. Then you have the equivalent of a wet sheep, and not in a good way, either.

Some may call what I do, “potty humor.” It isn’t. Potty humor is Cheech and Chong. And they usually don’t stoop to the level of bad puns.

I’ll pause this drivel for a moment of awesomeness:
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The butcher next to the vet’s office shut down. Well, way to go, prop 2.

Here’s a bit of freakiness for you: I stayed up late reading the part of a manuscript where the lead character’s dad dies. The next morning, I get an email saying my boss’s mother died that night. Of the same disease.

Ok, so maybe that’s not so freaky. But the Amazing Grace story is, if you haven’t heard it already.

They could’ve had a fax machine in Ghostbusters:
“I don’t know what happened. All of the sudden, it started printing out papers. Ones I’ve never seen before. And do you want to know what’s even freakier than that? The names on them were all people I know.”

That’s scary shit in the ‘80s.

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Apparently, the purchase of a single beer with cash requires a 9 line receipt. That’s the kind of excessive behavior that makes people want to hit us with airplanes.

It’s almost as bad as this:
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Ladies, just ask. That’s a lot of trouble to go through to get your man to eat you.

What is the plural of penne?

In case you’re wondering, yes, that bit about the shark’s bits is true. They’re called, “claspers.” Not only do they have two, but they can clasp with them? WTF, god?

That would be the best party trick ever.


Um, wow.

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My blog is still relatively new, but it has received ringing endorsements. These include:
“It’s easy. If it jiggles, it’s fat.” - Arnold Schwarzenegger
“It’s easy. If it jiggles, it’s phat.” - Russell Simmons

It’s nice, but that doesn’t mean what I write is any good. If you’re reading this in hopes of being entertained, I’m sorry. Watch this instead:



This too, but you can turn it off around 5:15.

What an amazing guy. I really admire what he’s doing. Seriously.

A blind person with Parkinson’s also has dyslexia.

You laughed, so you’re going to hell, too.

People often wonder how writers and artists do it. Awkward and elbowy. No, I’m referring to the creative process: How do we manage to see so much of the “hidden” and relegate it to language? It’s nothing special. The average person does it already: “Hey, Marge! Get the camera. I just made a shit that looks like a little man doing The Carlton.”

Apparently, April is National Humor Month. Shit. I’d better write something funny, stat.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Occupation: Foole

I miss George Carlin.

Hip hop is fun and all, but when you have white suburbanites saying, “Aww. Let’s name her Jeezy Shizzle,” it’s time to say, “Joke’s over.”

I got a friend request from who may be the world’s biggest douchebag.

Anyone else realize how only men are referred to as douchebags? What would you call a female douchebag?

Douchebaguette.

Remember the list of little language fuckups by the native English-speaking management at my day job? Well, holy crap:
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That is the new slang, btw. If someone (male or female) is acting like they just might be a little funky, you say, “Wow. They need to consult the list.”

You’re welcome.

Now, this is the kind of oddity I’d expect from a company owned by a non-native English speaker:
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Moose kooch? Really? I mean, I’m Scottish, but I’m not that lonely.

Ah, those crazy Germans with their moose kooch and their shize.

“Moose kooch” actually sounds more Canadian than German.

Truth be told, I just like saying, “Moose kooch.”

And “Betty Bossi?” I have to admit, that’s kinda hot. I didn’t open the book up, so who knows? It could be porn. I mean, there are vegetables on the cover.

I’ll give them that, but some fuckups are a bit more universal. Like the two giant, pink paper eggs hanging from one of the chandeliers. I think you know where this is going. These eggs look exactly like juevos. And if I’m not careful walking by, I’m liable to get tea bagged.

There’s also a list of employees to get a reward for having perfect attendance for this month: December.

I write a lot of this stuff on scraps of paper at work. And now I can’t find one of those scraps. I am so fired.

I came in once on my day off and the dishwasher pointed at my pants and said, “Jenis.”

Skinny guys will back me up on this: You know when you’re wearing a belt and it causes your jeans to bunch up around the zipper and then you sit down and it looks like you’re having a really good time? I’ve come up with a name for that happy little protrusion:

Jenis.

Just doing my part to further the language.

I’m sure some of you can remember when conversations with your mom didn’t go quite like this:
“Did you get my text?”
“Yeah. I guess you didn’t get my email.”

Another name I’m glad I don’t have: Bob Schatz

“Joseph” is a name that is commonly shortened. Everyone who does uses some form of “Joe.” Nobody shortens it to “Seph.”

Facebook doesn’t let you poke yourself. Are they Catholic?

There are plenty of blogs out there, but few dare to ask the burning questions, like “What would group sex look like for matches?”
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That must be the 69,000 position.

I know. That’s disgusting and unrealistic; a match’s wet dream. This is more like it:
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Yeah.

And from behind:
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Hot.

And I know this joke never gets old:
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Sometimes I make soup just so I can go to Safeway and get some.

“If I start to bother you, you’re just going to have to handle it.”
-Steven Wright

And if you don’t think I’m an equal opportunity sick fuck:
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If you wear a bra, you really have no right to laugh.

Underlog (n) - 1. concealed wood. 2. junior high.

A woman came into work and paid with a Hello Kitty credit card. She was wearing a Hello Kitty dress. It didn’t have any cartoon characters on it.

A pickle is not just a condiment.

What? It’s a tasty treat. Who doesn’t love a good zesty dill?

Ben Affleck met with a dying kid for the Make A Wish Program. Well, now that kid’s life is complete.

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I’ve accepted a virtual plant on Facebook. If I can fight global warming by sitting my ass in front of my energy-gobbling computer, I’m all for it.

That’s kinda like those TV ads about conserving energy.

The budget crunch has hit my school especially hard, leading to cutbacks in courses offered and increased class sizes. But I do like our new giant electronic highway billboard.

I think using it to advertise cashforgold.com might not show the most confidence in the education offered.

The new ShamWow will have you saying, “Wow! It’s a sham!”

Maybe I shouldn’t write for commercials.

Commercials are a big part of what makes some women so fucked up. For example: “We’ve lowered the price of being beautiful.” Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

“The news media is all freaking out over ‘What will Michelle Obama wear next?’ It sounds like some kind of 1950's propaganda. ‘Hey, ladies. Don’t worry about the world’s problems. Here’s fashion!’ You know what that is? It’s sexist, that’s what.”
Wow. How far we’ve come. Listen to Craig Fergusen.

Anyone else see the irony in Sarah Palin getting all upset over Obama’s Special Olympics quip?

Ambien can make you do weird shit. Even the ads say, “Sleepwalking with amnesia of the event has been reported. Tell your doctor if you experience this symptom.” My question is: How would you experience it?

In light of recent health concerns, Celebrex has changed their advertising strategy. Essentially, they’re saying, “We’re ok. A ton of other medicines also have the potential to without warning cause death by: Cardiovascular thrombotic events, myocardial infarction, heart attack, bleeding ulcer and perforation of the intestines (for those who don’t know, that means burning holes in your guts). Ignore the fact that risks for these increase when you take it for a prolonged period.” Well, that’s certainly worth making arthritis just a bit less painful.

I got a coupon for washing machine cleaner. I put it next to my battery-operated battery charger that only works on charging its own batteries.

I tried paying 2 bits for a shave and a haircut and was run out of the shop. That’s false advertising.

This is:
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a. A twist tie
b. A wig for Rabbi Barbie

I’m already going to hell. The trick will be guessing which one.

This may earn me negative man points, but I’m a big fan of scented candles.

What?

Seriously.
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I’ve been burning vanilla candles, eating chocolates and helping edit a book called “A Real Emotional Girl.”

Spring break. Woo. Fathers, lock up your daughters. I’m effing crazy.

I love Garden State. A movie has to be really good in order to make me want to cry while I’m writing a scene about a guy having sex with a mental patient.

When I say, “Garden State,” I’m referring to the Zach Braff / Natalie Portman movie. Not the porno.

I don’t even know how “Garden State” could be the name of a porno. If you do, I love you.

Every good source of entertainment should have something like this:

For those of you who don’t understand German, he’s basically describing shize. And how the Chinese-made Brilliance BS6 scored a 0-Star crash test rating. That was in 2007. Brilliance has since redesigned and re-released the car as the BS4. It also earned 0-Stars.

Here are a couple things to think about:
Sharks have two penises.

Come jiggle with me.