They are. And they do.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

I killed Michael Jackson.

I feel bad. Bad. Really, really bad. I should've known not to have him dance around like he did back in 1987. Now he's drinking juice with Jesus. I had good intentions. I was respectful. I mean, he was part of a recipe for snickerdoodles, and I held back the joke of him snickerdoodling little boys. And I hear the shorter ones he was just nuts over. But this is no time to poke fun. I mean, this man selflessly made a larger contribution to entertainment than anyone else of his time:


Too many people have given him a hard time about his image. It doesn't matter if he's black or white. He will soon be grey.

Do you think they'll have Pepsi cremate him?

I sure hope they do the right thing and recycle his face. And give all of his song rights to Paul McCartney.

Rock the Space

Hello friend,

I don't usually do stuff like this, but here is a song by a longtime friend and musical co-conspirator, Cole Armstrong. I'm not sure if you can vote for this or whatever, but I'd appreciate if you'd look into it. I imagine they're handing out something. I haven't read into it. Or just listen to the track and let us know what you think. Though this one comes straight from Cole's oddly-proportioned cranium, I had a hand in its fruition, laying down guitar and noise tracks while handling some production and engineering duties. The resulting mess (found on my music page) was remixed by Jason Nett: multi-instrumentalist, professional composer, Canadian and general badass. Enjoy.

Bono is a tool,


Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I’m back.


Blogs are really only read by other bloggers. It’s a pathetic, incestuous gathering of depressed, megalomaniacal insomniacs that I have come to know well. And despite the lack of a shit given by the general public, there are as many weirdass blogs out there as there are weirdass people. I know they don’t all write, but those who do tend to be a little schizo. Here is a bit of music to listen to while I give you a quick rundown on what this dusty little corner of the internet has to offer:


Animal porn.

Give us your bank account number and we’ll give you a free ipod.

Bored housewives with Blogger accounts. I mean porn.

Sign up to get people to read your blog.

Personal stories that only the writer finds witty.

Porn disguised as online dating.

Experts in their field that still live in their parents’ basement.

Occasionally a very interesting person.

Emo blogs written in broken English that declare “life is the shit.”

Celebrities, also known as porn for vacant people.

Christianity, also known as porn for vacant people. One had a beautiful, up close picture of a flower with the caption “Be still and know I am God.” The flower beared a striking resemblance to a hoo-hah.

One financial blog offered a daily tip: Save enough.

An article on George Harrison with this commented at the bottom:

I am in love and his name is Mr. Power Colon Cleanse ! This is by far the best cleansing product available. I saw it on Oprah and thought I would give it a try. Power Colon Cleanse has pretty much changed the way I live my life. My daily chores are done in a breeze and I have more energy, not to mention more time in my day since I don't mind jumping out of bed in the mornings at 7:00 am now. This is not just a cleanser. It is also a detox. I can feel it working and have only been using it for 6 weeks. I owe my life to PowerColonCleanse

Seriously. You can’t make this shit up.

Welcome to my blog: the lowest form of written communication, just after the dry-erase marker on a sticky note shaped like the first letter of your name. This is what I write about:

Whenever someone talks about two people getting it on, they inevitably mimic porn music with a “Bow, chicka wow wow.” If I ever make a porno (and I am taking screenwriting classes), the soundtrack will just be me in the background with a microphone singing “Bow, chicka wow wow.”

Please press play and continue reading.

I haven’t shaved in a week. I’m cycling through Lord of the Rings characters as my beard fills in. Right now I’m Liv Tyler.

I’m not a fan of the Jonas Brothers, but I do have a purity cockring.

Pantaloons is a fun word. It sounds like a male-specific disease.

“Grant has a bad case of pantaloons. He can barely walk.”

A religious friend of mine recently said “I found my wallet! Praise Jesus!”

I’ll hold my tongue and let that one write itself.

Funny Name: Tom Puetz

The term, “nudist,” makes that person sound like an Olympic athlete.

“I’m a nudist.”
“Really? What event?”

I was riding my bike around Florin and decided to turn around when I reached the crack hoes and the Pick and Pull.

Wait. That was redundant.

For me, Father’s Day was a stark reminder of a life experience that I am missing out on. These days, more and more of my friends are blessed with a beautiful thing that I just don’t have:

A witty mug.

Some people are responsible for one simple job which they are unable to perform with any level of competence. I worked for one for several years. Here is another example:


I saw this idiot while on my way to San Francisco to star in the latest music video directed by the amazing Jon Pidgeon. A car stalled on the other side of the highway and instead of circling around to pick him up, the tow truck driver attempted to cross the V-shaped divide. At the time of this picture, the truck has already been completely beached, its rear tires spinning hopelessly in place. The driver is now getting out and wandering toward the back of his truck to see just what is keeping him from moving forward.

Money trumps natural selection.

Which beer goes best with cinnamon toast?


Not witty, but funny to say. And useful for the next time you’re on a bender.

“Do you have any big plans for the weekend?”
“Yes! There’s a Spiderman ball over there and I need it!”

Graduation was fun, but there were parts in which I was glad I brought a book.

In the midst of the commotion at Arco Arena, I heard my mom long before I found her.

Now it’s starting to get awkward.

Why does graduation require cake? Cake is traditionally served at children’s birthday parties. Aren’t we supposed to mature and start liking truffles, tortes and pies?

I like pie.

But even I made cupcakes: Kahlua with a Bailey’s whipped cream and candied tangelo zest. And Maria made me chocolate cupcakes with buttercream frosting and sugar glaze animal shapes on top.

I’ve decided that my funeral will be catered. Or maybe a potluck, I haven’t decided which. I figured I’d better plan ahead, because I am going to be spending July in Fresno. Regardless, there will be cake.

“Cake or death?”

Cake and death.


I’ve taken time to relax now that school is over. Just last week, one of my roommates left the gas on and I spent most of the day sleeping.


In their defense, I should probably be mowing the lawn right now.

Ed McMahon is dead at the age of 86. He had a good run, but all those years of professional wrestling caught up to him in the end.

I hope Anthony Bourdain is lucky enough to die at 86.

That one was for all my peeps in the foodservice industry.

I’m so hungry I could eat a horse. If that horse is in a taco.

I don’t really know what it means, but I really want to fricassee something.

I love cooking and baking. I recently came up with a new type of cookie:

Snickerdoodle All Night Long

2 3/4 cups whole wheat flour (1)
½ teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter (2)
1 ½ cups sugar (3)
2 eggs (4)
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

1/3 cup sugar (5)
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
2 teaspoons cocoa powder (6)
2 teaspoons finely ground espresso (7)

In a large bowl whisk together the flour, salt, and baking powder.

Using your electric mixer (or your mind) beat the butter and sugar until smooth (about 3 minutes). Add the eggs and beat well. Scrape down the sides of the bowl. Beat in the vanilla extract. Slowly add the flour mixture and beat until you have a smooth dough. If the dough is too soft to form, cover and refrigerate for about a half an hour (8)

Preheat oven to 400 degrees and place rack in the center of the oven. Line two baking sheets with parchment paper or Silpat (9)

Shape the dough into 1 inch balls (10).

In a medium bowl whisk together the coating ingredients.

Roll the balls of dough one at a time in the coating and place on the baking sheets, spacing about 2 inches apart (11).

Using the bottom of a glass, flatten each ball to about ½ inch thick (12)

Bake the cookies for about 10-12 minutes, or until they are golden brown around the edges.

Remove from oven and place on a wire rack to cool (13).

Eat. Digest. Repeat.

Makes about 5 dozen cookies.

(1) I have used many kinds of flour, and King Arthur 100% whole wheat all natural unbleached is by far my favorite. You can use AP if you want, but I’m just saying. This way, it’s health food.

(2) From unsalted cows. Generally, you’ll want butter to be at room temperature in order to be of any use. You'll also want the room to be at room temperature.

(3) Extra fine pure cane baking sugar is best, but you can use anything here, as long as it’s sugar or PCP.

(4) Chicken.

(5) This is by nature a very soft cookie. I use coarse, untreated cane sugar to give the outside a slight crunch that compliments the texture of the rest of it (especially when warm and/or dunked in milk). But again, you can use whatever you want.

(6) I use unsweetened Dutch process cocoa. You’re already adding the sugar, so you might as well.

(7) Equator’s Jaguar blend is the best espresso I’ve ever had. It’s organic and fair trade and you can buy it here. I’ve only found it served at a place in Yountville called Gordon’s. Tell them Gordon sent you, and they just might look at you funny.


(9) I highly recommend buying a Silpat nonstick baking surface for your pan. It does a good job with consistent results, is reusable and easy to clean. Remind you of anyone? Ew.

(10) Hehe.

(11) Hehe. You can roll the balls with your hand, but I prefer to throw them in and swish the bowl around like you are sauteeing them. It’s a lot less work, and you feel like a real Mr. Hot Shit Chef. You can make little sizzling sounds while you’re doing this if you wish.

(12) I want to take this opportunity to apologize to all of the men who are reading this. Sorry Aram.

(13) If you leave them on the baking sheet for a minute first, they are less likely to break or deform in transportation. If you don’t have a wire rack, it’s ok if they cool completely on the pan. Just be sure if you’re using parchment paper to peal the paper from the cookie once it has cooled. If you peel the cookie from the paper, you will break a lot more of them. A spatula works pretty well, too.

That’s for all of you who think I don’t post anything useful.

And for Jess. Both of them :)

With regards to the new iPhone,

I miss Carlin like no other. You realize that they brought the interview to a hasty close when he started ripping on materialism and their sponsor in particular.

I’ll be buying a Blackberry when I get back from Fresno.

Spanish speakers: I know “mucho” is the direct translation for “a lot,” but what is the direct translation for “hella?”


I walked into a store. “What do you have in a fake vomit?”

I walked into a Burger King. “Do you have any Spock collector’s cups? I need one for my girlfriend. No, seriously.”

I should stop making those jokes.

Ryan and Stef just got engaged. I think I speak for everyone when I say congratulations. It’s about fucking time.

I just caught the new Black Eyed Peas song. My god, do they suck.

My stepbrother just got a Catahoula leopard dog:


I want one. Muah.

The list of side-effects for Ambien keeps growing. The latest: suicide.

So, if you really need to sleep,

I was at work and an old lady persistently talked me up and tried to get these two girls to hook up with me after I ran to help another old lady who fell in the parking lot. That same day I got hit on by a lady cop.

Why does this only happen when I’m attached and therefore uninterested?

I use the Extreme Clean toothpaste because I’m a badass. And because I’m dirty.

Does Dr. Dre have gmail?

Yes. In the box in front of his house.

Blagojevich sounds like a made up name.



It isn’t over when the fat lady sings. It’s over when the lady with the half emptied glass of wine begins a sentence with, “You know, there’s research that shows...”

I just recorded a ukulele song that will make you scratch your head until you lose your mind. Keep an eye out, as I’ll be posting it soonish.

That’s what we call “creating a hook.” In this case, the hook is forged from old school metal.

I’ve been listening to a lot of dead rock stars lately: John Lennon, Thom Yorke’s left eye,


and this guy:

You are missed.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009


Make sweaty love to the English language. Use props: Pens and such.

This is in direct response to Jen’s posting on Mine Künstlerroman: Writer In the Making.

Here are a few of my favorites:

The Uniball Signo 207 clicky-top pen. Regardless of brand, the pen has to be a clicky-top, not a twisty-bottom. The Uniball writes much smoother than most comparable pens and Staples sells refills. And it’s a Lance Armstrong joke. My only real gripe with it is the ink takes forever to dry, allowing for frequent smudges. This is because it is a special blend, designed to be resistant to fading and washing in an effort to thwart identity theft. So don’t let your girlfriend accidentally leave one in her apron when she does the wash, ruining your favorite Flogging Molly shirt your dad bought you when you took him to that concert for his birthday. That would suck. As an added bonus, if you use the same casing for long enough, the pen will start ejecting its guts when you click it hard enough. This may frustrate you, but I find myself keeping it on me at all times in case someone needs to borrow a pen.


I don’t have a murse, nor do I carry around my checkbook, so I usually keep this pen in my pocket. This renders an additional pen unnecessary. But I imagine I would get a little tingly over the possibility of using, for example, an astronaut pen.

My pencil of choice is the Pentel Twist Ease 0.7 mechanical. I once sat for an entire semester by a girl who also used this pencil, which means neither of us had the balls to make any sort of move. Clean, simple, and well built, this is a true writing tool:


Most mechanical pencils look and feel like toys you’d buy at Walgreens. This one has weight to it, but not enough to make writing a labored event. Smooth and round, there are no rough edges, save for the removable metal clip. The rubber grip is substantial, but not too bulky. Overall, it is very comfortable. And like the Uniball, it’s a clicky-top. I’m not a fan of having the clicky piece down where you hold the pencil. It’s uncomfortable, it gets in the way and it allows for accidental clicking at inopportune moments. It is sold in a handy two-pack with two eraser refills, though you probably won’t need them. I’ve used these since high school and replaced one eraser. Often a low point of mechanical pencils, this eraser is the light gray, semi-gummy type you usually buy in the form of little, 1 inch by 2 inch bricks that completely remove the mark without leaving smudges and last at least long enough for you to lose them. With one of these anchored to the top of your pencil, you’re pretty much set for a good long time. Being Scottish, this excites me:


In case you’re wondering, twisting the top part makes it longer.

If I had a pen company, I would name it 15.

Faber Castell Pitt Artist brush pens. Colored pencils are fun and all, but brush pens are really where it’s at. Recommended by Julia Wertz of The Fart Party, I bought my niece a crap ton of these for Christmas. I then bit my nails, sat on my hands and did whatever else I could to keep from pocketing a few when she went for more olives.


Wertz also recommended the Rotring Art Pen, which I imagine is quite nice for sketching. I used it to write a few giddy words on a Post-It before putting it back in its case and wrapping it for my niece.

Now that we’re onto the subject of fancy shmancy pens, my mom bought me what I think is a Sheaffer Agio fountain pen. Short and about as thin as a standard wooden pencil, it’s a bit effeminate. But she had my name and graduation date engraved into the cap, so I effing love it.


Aww. He loves his mother.

No, you idiot. He’s just really conceited.

Now hopefully these companies will send me free shit.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Digital TV Switch

A lot of people ask me, "Help. My TV doesn't work anymore. Every channel is a blue screen and/or static snow. What do I do?"

Watch this:

You're welcome.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

RIP, Grasshopper.

If you haven’t stopped reading this, now would be a good time.

Funny name: Holly Schmidt

Of all the offensive crap I’ve posted, I finally got an image removed by Photobucket. And would you believe it was that one of Bono with his hands down his pants:


There’s plenty of more offensive shit on here. Like that picture of the pope.

I gave up Christianity for Lent, and now I have no idea when to start back up again.

Even within that post I have a sock monkey with genitalia, a hooded weiner, a citrus reamer, numerous cock references, the Jonas Brothers and a man who straight up looks like a dick.

And a video showing the horrific effects of war on children. But that’s not offensive at all.

I’ve had a lot of newcomers to the blog
so I feel I need to explain something:

The Jonas Brothers look like pubes.

I like how hundreds of people looked at the site and only 4 of them came back later.

Really, though? Bono adjusting his man junk is too much? In the post before that, he’s the recipient of an inter-species golden shower.


I was also banned by a blog database for having offensive content a mere two days after I registered. If you find me offensive, you need to learn German and explore the internet a bit more thoroughly.

Am I the only one who thinks that anyone who hires a life coach is better off spending the money on a life?

I want to put on a concert, but I don’t want to pay anyone. I wonder if I could get Cher pro-Bono.

Too early? Should I let you grieve another 11 years?

I’d ask for U2 pro-Bono, but then people would question my sexuality.

David Carradine was found hung in a hotel room in Bangkok. He also killed himself.

Well, balls. David Carradine as himself plays an integral role in the script I’m writing.

It’s probably for the best. If he didn’t want to kill himself before, he would have after shooting my movie.

We have now lost two great ones: Bruce Lee and the man who unwittingly stole the lead in Kung Fu away from Bruce Lee.

I don’t read USA Today because Kirstie Alley’s weight is a front page story.

The fun thing about blogs is that you get to read people’s dairy.


Funny word:
Cacophony (n) - The point at which the London Philharmonic becomes gay porn

The Killers totally ripped off Mitch Hedberg with their song, “Human.”

They recently played on Letterman and had a harp onstage. Mothers, hide your daughters.

“What are they tuning, a harp? I thought we were a big, rich, rock band. We should a whole bunch of extra guitars.”
- K. Cobain

I was cleaning out my garage and the ice cream truck driver slowed down for me.

Leno’s last Tonight Show was last week, and I missed it. I mean, I didn’t really miss it. You know.

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been in the business, the first taping as host of the Tonight Show must be nerve wracking as hell. If you pay close attention, it looks like Conan was on a crap ton of Finasteride at the time.

Don’t be a douche. Finasteride is a chemical for hair growth.

And my online handle at

If only my girlfriend knew.

I would get so lucky.

Regardless of network and time slot, Craig is still funnier.

Regional Sacramento news: If you haven’t already, pick up the latest copy of the SN&R and read the submissions for their flash fiction contest. Then find Jason Conde and congratulate him for winning both second place and honorable mention.

Elk Grove is the kind of city that cuts down a huge tree to make room for a new, metal overhang at a bus stop.

I’m gonna rise up, gonna kick a little ass. Gonna kick some ass in the USA. Gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I’m gonna kick some butt, gonna drive a big truck. I’m gonna rule this world. I’m gonna kick some ass. I’m gonna rise up, gonna kick a little ass. ROCK, FLAG, and EAGLE!


It’s ok, though. They painted the overhang green.

In order to protest the way the government has been spending money, many conservatives have been sending their representatives tea bags, hoping to invoke the protest of the Boston Tea Party.

They are calling this “teabagging.”

Seriously. You can’t make that shit up.

That’s mildly ironic, coming from a group who is traditionally against homosexuality.

“If Osama Bin Laden had been making illegal tax deductions, his ass would be in jail right now.”
-Craig Ferguson, man with testicles.

A picture of the recession can be seen on Stockton Blvd. just south of Florin: A realtor’s office with a “Space Available” sign on the lawn.

The other picture of the recession can be seen in the group of young women comparing how cute each other’s credit cards are.

If you think you’re depressed, George Clinton has been in a funk since 1941.

You should expect that kind of lame, vaudevillian humor from me by now.

If I’m a vaudevillian, who is the vaudehero?

Seriously, why do you even read this?


I’m afraid of failing a Rorschach Test. What does that say about me?

Ladies, I’m sure you will agree. Here is a picture of the perfect man:


I heard the pie in the face gag was big during vaudeville.

I don’t have a man crush, or a celebrity crush for that matter. But if I had to pick someone, it would probably be the late Mitch Hedberg because a sense of humor is very important to me. That, and I really like long hair. And boobs.

Gran Torino comes out on DVD next Tuesday. It’s pretty good, but I’d have to say my favorite Clint Eastwood movie is Back to the Future 3.
Get off my century.

I was listening to the Goodbye Yellow Brick Road LP the other day when I noticed on the jacket that Elton John did not write the lyrics. Maybe I’m a bit late coming to this realization, but this turns my world upside down. You mean he didn’t write that song about Marilyn Monroe? And he didn’t write Jamaica Jerk Off, either?

The new Eels is pretty much what you’d expect from a guy with more beard than face: Awesome.

The next record I’m really excited about is Battle for the Sun, by Placebo.

Regional Sacramento joke: I turned off that god awful new ‘90s radio station to put in Weezer.

Regional Sacramento joke: Citrus Heights.

Regional Sacto joke:

I find it appropriate that my town shares the name of every punch line on America’s Funniest Home Videos.

I don't think we've had enough of that yet:

After 17 miles on the seat of an old Peugot 12 speed, I can see how Frenchmen talk that way.

If I started a cookbook publishing house, I would name it First Cold Press.

I’m almost sorry if you’re nerdy enough to get that one.

I have to commend Mexicans for making their food so easy to freeze and heat up later. That’s thinking ahead.

Microwavable frozen burrito > Microwavable frozen ham sandwich.

You know what else is good? Siracha.


They are now making gummy vitamins for adults. I’m going to miss throwing down the entire Flinstones clan every morning.

Free million dollar idea: Gummy vitamins for seniors.

I’m pretty sure the Flinstones ate actual vitamins.

Flinstones vitamins teach kids about the conservation of matter.

My college education at work.

I made and mailed cookies to someone who was gracious enough to post my banner on her website. Believe it.

Thank you Jess. And thanks again Javier. Because of your efforts, I’m really moving up in the world.
Sorry, Charlize. I’m spoken for.

Fucked up name:

Don’t hate me. Hate her parents.

Funny name: Helen Phelan.

Good luck ever holding public office, Helen.

She is the little known older sister of Miss Demeanor on Carmen Sandiego.

“Miss Demeanor on Carmen Sandiego” is the name of a movie I once accidentally rented 12 times.

Ah, nerd porn.

Awkward silence.

Come jiggle with me.