They are. And they do.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The Jigglybits Illustrated vol. 5

vs. Aram Fresh


In an effort to continue the idea of having continuity in posts that appear upwards of a month apart:


Poking fun at clergy is not the main reason I’m going to hell. But clergy poking for fun is why they’re going to hell.


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I’m getting enough mileage out of that comparison that I decided to make things easier for us and consolidate.


Funny name: Mrs. Slutzki


An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but a


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a day means you have to get a quick shot.




If apples keep away doctors, what brings the nurses?


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Disease. They are medical professionals, after all.


Cheesestick (n): the result of too many Pink Ladies.


Ah, Kanye.


Cheese sandwich (n): The female cheesestick


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(n):

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In an attempt to have a real relationship with this girl I was banging, I set aside a night for us to play Scrabble, drink tea and just enjoy each other’s company. She set up the board and I pulled my 7 pieces, careful not to let her see what I could lay down: AVAGINA.


Brown chicken, brown cow.


It’s funny how implied bestiality is more socially acceptable than the word fuck.


Those who pay attention to punctuation may notice that what they’re reading is textual intercourse.


Go back and look. I’ll wait.


Or perhaps, considering that I’m the only one writing (unsolicited, I might add), you’re really witnessing word self-gratification.



My technique is refined.


As an active nerd, I want an animated gf.


I’m a sentimental guy, one who appreciates a moment of real connection with someone special, usually with good background music that helps us openly express our feelings.

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Hold me.


Whoa. I thought a bird just ran into my window, but it really just delivered the largest avian crap I’ve ever seen.


I have to tweet this.


Follow Aram’s Twitter so you can keep up to date on his laundry:

  • Laundromat. It’s a pants party, and if you’re not downstairs, you’re not invited.
  • It’s true what they say. The penis mightier.
  • Though my diet hasn’t changed, I’ve been passing gas authoritatively over the past four days. Should I call the doctor?


I’d like to post a door on my Facebook wall @thinking-how-the-hell-I’m-going-to-get-outside-the-box


Gay men think outside the box.


I think it’s necessary to capitalize “Facebook.” Otherwise, it becomes real.


facebook (n): Colonel Angus


Colonel Angus (translation: Spanish): Papi Chow


How many of you are on facebook right now?


@multitasking


Cockroaches (n): The final stage of crabs.


It’s no coincidence “exterminators” so closely follows “escort services” in the phone book.

  1. Wait. The phone what? You’re not making sense.
  2. Wait. You’re saying…that Mexican song I used to sing as a kid…


Regina (v) – Female sex change reversal


I eat a lot of rice, and if you eat rice, so do you. No one eats just one rouse. You have to eat a lot of them for anything to happen. It’s the most inefficient food ever. But fucking delicious.


A mamosa would be champagne and milk.


Milk is an excellent appetite suppressant. And quite better for you than cigarettes. Next time you’re at the bar, skip the middleman and have a Caucasian.


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Again, shit I’m not getting paid to think of.


And thankfully, shit Aram isn’t getting paid to draw.


I went from a miserable 9-5 to a glorious 7(EST)-5(PST) that makes very little money. Living the dream.


Pizza and beer for breakfast in bed in my underwear, working.


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There’s a triathlon on. Which mean’s there’s a quadrathlon.


I sure hope they’re able to athlon. They’re trying awful hard.


The perfect quadrathlon would be like a triathlon, but they have to play badminton afterward. By itself, that game doesn’t require much coordination or strength. But after all that swimming and whatnot, it would be a true test of human endurance.


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Sean Taro Ono Lennon Belushi


What does everyone say when Marilyn Monroe walks into a bar?


“Holy crap! It’s Marilyn Monroe! Isn’t she dead? Am I freaking out, man?”


Wrong. The correct answer is:


“NORMA!”


If heaven exists, it’s a bar with Marilyn Monroe, Cliff Burton and Sam Malone (the DJ on KHMX Houston Radio, but he has to die first).


Once you record a laugh track, that shit is forever. It can be used over and over again, which is why I have never tried out to be on one. I wouldn’t like to contribute to people thinking that The King of Queens is funny.


I like Cheers, because they tell you right in the beginning that it is filmed in front of a live, studio audience that has been bribed with free cokes and maybe even beverages.


It was the 80’s, after all.


I wonder if some of those old school fuckheads who refused to laugh at Ellen know that the chuckles they did give are now being used in any sitcom on network TV.


Free million dollar idea: microwave ringtones.


Or at least a microwave with a volume control, because jesus fuck.


Dairy products are almost reason enough to believe in a god. I have therefore determined that the lagging number of teens and young adults attending church is directly attributed to a lack of sufficient snack food. That is the period in your life in which you are usually growing the most and eating in a correlated amount. That is also the period in your life in which you are growing the most and smoking in a correlated amount. And if you’ve had enough hits that you start to see Jesus, then you’re going to want some cheese and crackers. Or nachos, depending upon your denomination.


I knew a pothead who is now a Christian minister, which makes no sense. Don’t potheads usually love themselves?


Rastafarian preachers are men of the hemp.


I think Christians’ decision to name their clergy “Pastor” is a big middle finger toward the Jews who cannot enjoy proper Mexican food.


That’s fucked up, people. You aren’t practicing your message of peace, love and pork products.


Pork products (n): Children


Funny name: George R Weiner


Funnier name: George, R Weiner


Just want to make you comma.


One picture I failed to take was of: G Spot Dog Kennel for trucks.


Animal husbandry (v):


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I just googled Freud.


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No, no, no. Barry Dick.


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Barry! Barry! Barry!


It’s July, my roommate works for mosquito control, and if I really wanted to, I could scare the fuck out of you right now.


Just make sure you cover up, stay inside around dusk and spray yourselves with plenty of



Heidi. What’s your hetero life mate’s name?



Describe the female cast of Baywatch.



I had to straight up move before I found matches to some of my socks. Only some, though. The rest are in Narnia. And even though I usually wear pants, I can't mis-match my socks. No one else would notice, but it would be like lying to myself. That problem stems from my childhood, when all of my tube socks matched, except for the stripes at the top. And I didn’t have duplicates of any of the colors, partly because my parents didn’t stick to any one brand. So, if I had two pair of dark blues, they would be different shades. Once or twice, I actually did have two pair where the color matched, but one had two stripes while the other had three. Or the width of the stripes varied.


Parents take note: You can fuck up your kid with your choice of socks.



Come jiggle with me.