They are. And they do.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Uh oh.

I am very happy with my life right now. I just graduated after 7 years of college, my idiot idiot boss got fired, I’m starting a wonderful new career in a field I enjoy and I have an amazing new girlfriend whose sense of humor is every bit as sick as mine. That should be a red flag for those of you reading this. It’s usually when an artist becomes content that they begin to suck ass. If you don’t believe me, pick up any of the recent Staind or Papa Roach records. That being said, I apologize profusely for what you are about to read. Any and all hate mail can be sent directly to Yoko.

Happy Memorial Day. For those who don’t know, today is the day in which we pause to remember stuff. What exactly, I don’t quite remember.

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Whoa.

I just graduated alongside a 92 year old woman. She got her degree in history.

That’s cheating. I guess she really didn’t want to read the book.

Graduation was a wealth of funny names, including: Chia-Ching Yen, Greg Alicious and Andrew B. Stiffler.

I love my new job. Especially when I get to turn down a query from a psychic.

As for my own writing, I’m still working to push the boundaries. Still trying to italicize a period.

Unfortunately, they don’t always understand what I’m trying to do. So far, 5 people including a professional reader and a professor/published author have read my story, and none of them know what exactly to make of it.

Is it the way I describe things? I know commercial writers may describe a particular character as a “stoner,” while some literary writers may say “chemical wasteland.” I say “pharmaceutical testing facility.”

No, I think it’s the lack of a clear plot. That must be it.

Do you want to know what writer’s block looks like? No, I will not include a picture of a cube that has been written on. I’m not one to stoop to cheap sight gags.

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No, writer’s block looks something like this: “To create a screenplay from a printed work is to perform a unique metamorphosis of art which employs the written word in an attempt to translate the written word into a much more primal, audio/visual medium. It is nebulous and constricted. And has explosions and shit.”

This blog is a bit like watching a skydiving Wyle E Coyote pulling the ripcord and an anvil popping out. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I overheard two blind people talking about cooking. I wasn’t impressed until their conversation turned to the latest episode of Lost.

Matthew McConaughey found his calling as an operator at a suicide help line.

I actually kinda hope you don’t get that one.

TV and radio ads where the announcers seem excited and happy about going out of business sales are probably being read by the CEOs who have simply snapped. It’s not like they have the money for announcers, anyway.

“I went to pay for a meal, and the cash was declined.”
-Letterman

Wait a minute. Now that my boss is fired, does that mean the end of English mishaps by the native English speaking management at my work?
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Bougets (n) - Magic nose goblins from little girls.

I feel kinda like how comedians must have felt when George Bush left office.

Balls. This means I’ll have to look outside of work for stuff like that.
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This is where they keep the tigers.

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You can’t really read the label, but it says “Citrus Reamer.” That’s kinda how it was working for that bitch.

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Ok, not an English mishap. Just funny.

Hehe. Hooded weiner.

I also got a Captcha that said “Blackie.” Apparently, we still have a ways to go.

Eminem couldn’t stay retired. That’s no surprise, considering how hardcore he is. I mean, look at his recent promo shots and the amount of makeup he’s wearing.

I really have no right to say anything about that.

I don’t have any tattoos, but I almost got one when Tupac got shot.

Thug Death.

Sparklehorse and Danger Mouse just teamed up with James Mercer of The Shins, The Flaming Lips, Gruff Rhys of Super Furry Animals, Jason Lytle of Grandaddy, Julian Casablancas of The Strokes, Frank Black of the Pixies, Iggy Pop, Nina Persson of The Cardigans, Suzanne Vega, Vic Chesnutt, David Lynch, and Scott Spillane of Neutral Milk Hotel and The Gerbils. Unfortunately, due to legal reasons, the record may never reach stores.

But you can stream it in it’s entirety here.

Bring a change of pants.

There’s also a link on that page to a recent Animal Collective show. I highly recommend that, too.

Regional Sacramento joke: Is today when we remember KWOD radio?

The Jonas Brothers should cover Weezer.

On second thought, they should cover their mouths.

My goal in life is to one day buy moustache wax.

I pay for my own internet, but there are certain places in the house where I can, if I so choose, tap into my neighbor’s unsecured wireless network. This gives me all sorts of entertaining possibilities. Like access to their printer at 2am.

Yet another reason I am a massive nerd: Whenever I am forced to type underlined text (and I do hate it, btw), I will only have the section of words underlined. The punctuation at the end of the sentence or the space after the final underlined word within a sentence can not be underlined, though both MS Word and WordPerfect like to make it very difficult to avoid.

I do not, however, go back and remove the underline from the spaces between underlined words. That too is annoying as hell. If you do that, you need help, you anal fuck.

Bollywood has long surpassed Hollywood as the world’s most prolific cinematic city. In similar fashion, the San Fernando Valley has just been outdone by Stikkit, India.

Not to be outdone, the US is amassing a comeback based in Stikkit, Indiana.

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"Has Rolls" is another inside joke I'll miss now that my boss is gone.

The female brown trout fakes orgasms in order to find the most potent mate.

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What is the Catholic Church’s stance on fertility drugs? They hate birth control, and this is essentially the same thing with the opposite results.

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With that in mind, all you grateful new parents whose prayers have been answered by the miracle of modern science are heathens. Your children are bastards and you’ve been praying to Satan.

Just once I want to meet someone who prays to Stan.

“Here’s how bad the economy is: they’re watering down the holy water.”
-Letterman

Nobody has any money anymore, but everyone has a Bluetooth.

And yet, nobody refers to them collectively as “Blueteeth.”

I saw the world’s most ghetto Bluetooth: a woman stuffed her cellphone halfway into her burqua.

Is that ghetto or resourceful? You decide.

To give you a point of reference, a 94 Honda CRX sitting on 13s with a Dub sticker is undoubtably ghetto.

Linkin Park has a new song on the Transformers 2 soundtrack. Appropriately enough, it sounds just like their song on the Transformers 1 soundtrack.

Whenever I self-checkout and bring my own bag, they always look at me like I’m stealing something.

Come on. I shaved and everything.

If you just read “Come on. I shaved everything,” I love you.

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Doesn’t this man look like a penis?

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You know what they say, you are what you finger.

I know this kinda plays into their hands, but I could not resist posting the flyer some dude handed me outside of Safeway the other day:
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Hire Contractors who directly/indirectly Fail to Pay Area Standards is actually quite tasty.

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I’m sure everyone laughed at Lincoln when he agreed to take time from his presidential duties to pose with a giant coffee mug marked “brand x.”

“Just imagine all of the people he could’ve freed had he not wasted such time on that photo,” they said. Well, I think they’re eating (or maybe even drinking) their words now.

I just want to know why exactly the carpenters’ union hates Starbucks? It’s not like cheaper coffee is driving them out of business. In fact, it allows them to still get the morning perk they need to do their jobs well, even in tough economic times.

I, for one, am proud as hell to be an American who has never told an Octomom joke.

You may have noticed American Idol recently being all over the 11:00 news, on the internet news sites, discussed over coffee at Starbucks, etc. It all leaves me with one question:

Aren’t we at war?

If that wasn’t enough, they recently devoted air time to a young girl who was “sidelined from the cheerleading squad.” Isn’t that where she wants to be? On the sidelines?

In case you’re wondering, she said “like” three times in her one sentence comment, destroying all cheerleader stereotypes.

Another regional Sacramento joke: I’m not certain, but I’m pretty confident the weatherman screams “delta breeze” during sex.

“Uggs” are named after an ancient aboriginal term, meaning “unnecessary.”

The funny thing about this is that women are probably lining up to buy it.

So, what do you think?

You feeling lucky?

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Rhymes With Orange

An orange cat strode past a bed of orange poppies and took an orange piss. It ran down the orange utility pole and pooled on the orange sidewalk, baking in the orange sun. Passing orange feet chose to tread on the orange petals, rather than risk staining their orange shoes. Bono set down his orange soda and removed his orange glasses.

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Original artwork by: Aram Fresh.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Two bits.



No tequila was harmed in the making of these photos.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day.

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Shut yo mouth.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Blog.

I don’t like the sound of the word. It sounds like "I saw two men blogging in the alley.”
-Michael Keaton

Once the paperwork goes through with the city, I will own a business. I’d like to take this opportunity to preemptively tell everyone to back the fuck up off it.

Come June, I will be a secret agent.

They even gave me one of these:
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I realize that once that happens, I can no longer be directly associated with this.

“Bloggers are like boobies. You have to look really close to tell which ones are fake. You may even have to touch them, move them around a bit.”
-Craig Fergusen

The man on TV said it, so it must be true. I’m willing to volunteer to help out the cause.

Am I the only one who can't say "Crabtree" without laughing just a little? "The 49ers got Crabtree." The whole team? I'm not even going to ask how. One thing's for sure, they're going to need a lot of ointment.

And they got it in the draft, which means it’s airborne. So, if you’re reading this, protect yourself and those you love long time. Don’t go to a 49ers game until this situation is under control. And if you see one of them on the street, do not approach them. An autograph is not worth having to deal with Crabtree.

Have you ever had to tutor someone who smelled like a urinal cigarette after sex with a lamb?

Nice guy, but he burns my throat.

Writers are the kind of nerds who use binder clips for nipple clamps.
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It's going to be a good night.

I met a brand new English speaker who has a better command of the semicolon than anyone I have ever seen.

Giggity.

No, really. She’s this quiet, innocent looking Japanese woman. But when it comes down to business, she has mad punctuation skills.

Giggity.

Other than her, nobody really knows how to properly use semicolons anymore; we should just replace them with "Bono is a tool."

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Here's an example of how it works: Other than her, nobody really knows how to properly use semicolons anymore Bono is a tool we should just replace them with "Bono is a tool."

That sounds about right.

I can’t be the only one who wants to break The Edge’s delay pedal. Or better yet, just hand him an acoustic guitar and maybe one of these:

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Cinco de Mayo was this Tuesday. For those who don’t know, it’s the holiday where we all celebrate the Mexican army’s defeat of the French in the Battle of Puebla on May 5th, 1862 (remember?). We do this because they showed a tremendous amount of courage and fortitude. They were outnumbered nearly 2 to 1, horribly under equipped and at the time, it was not yet trendy to beat the hell out of the French until they ran away sniveling like little pussys. To commemorate the event, we all gather together with plenty of food, alcohol and pinatas and everyone there who isn’t Mexican has to take 5 shots of mayonnaise before they can take part in the celebration, hence the name.

I love Wikipedia enough to make it scream "Oh, god! OH, GOD!"

Another way we celebrate is by dubbing Tony Soprano’s voice so he says “Suck on diez nuts.”

People say the tango is the most passionate dance between a man and a woman. Apparently, these people haven’t seen the Soulja Boy.

I have to applaud Nas for being open with his sexuality in a viciously masculine rap scene:

“All I need is one Mike.”

He did so years before Kanye was an openly gay fish. We just need to give credit where it’s due.

I used to get really annoyed when people in the Middle Ages said, “Huzzah!” until I realized they were the first rappers.

“Huzzah, my knuzzah. Let’s get on our huzzah’s and ride to the cuzzah. We’ll chill with the kuzzah and the quzzah and drink lots of wuzzah.”

It works in the Middle Ages, but that kind of behavior has no place in, say, modern day Atlanta.

“Nah, man. That’s gross. She’s your cuzzah.”

“George W. Bush, entering his 9th year of not being president.”
-David Letterman is an old Algonquin term, meaning “Man with thin hair and large testicles.”

There are so many ads on Jeff Gordon’s jacket, I can’t tell what any of them are for.

Another gross example of materialistic irony is the TV surgeon pitching fast food hamburgers. But I can’t fault him for wanting job security in the current economy.

Hi. My name is Bono Isatool, and I’ve lost 0 pounds on the Nutra System. And on every other diet. Because I’ve never been on a diet.

My day job’s day job continues to be run with a deep dedication to ineptitude:
  • An employee who has been gone for nearly a year still has her own inbox.
  • Stuff like this is the norm:
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Yes, that is a hard drive amongst tools. It should be ok. It’s all hardware, right?

I’m one week exactly from not having to deal with Mrs. Goldfarb anymore. She has threatened to lower the final grade a whole letter if a student misses more than two classes. And yet, she doesn’t take roll. She just counts people. Seriously. “Oh, I guess 3 people are absent today.” Direct quote. I can’t make this shit up.

I’ll be graduating two weeks from today at noon at Arco Arena. You’re all invited. But there are rules: “Beach balls, silly string, tortillas, and Frisbees are not allowed and will be confiscated.”

No tortillas? Fuck. How are we supposed to get drunk?

If the guy who invented Twitter is not called “The Leader,” my entire childhood has been a lie.

I take part in that shit too, but I am a bit worried about Twitter killing our autonomy.

I twittered myself on the bus the other day. It's ok. It's not like I was googling myself.

I thought I was being followed by an unmarked cop car, but it was just a G ride.

Isn’t this the most ironic trend? Gs tend to like the same model of car as cops. Maybe that’s why they get arrested. It’s not them being clumsy with their G-ness and getting caught. It’s intentional. They’re car shopping.

Ooo. Big back seat. You know what that means.

To add to the confusion, old people also tend to go for the cop cars. So now, whenever I see a Crown Vic that isn’t police, there’s a moment in which I’m not quite sure if it’s a G or an old person. Maybe these old people are just retired Gs.

It’s ok. Those headlights look taxi.

Another disturbing new trend: Pouches of meat snack cubes that look exactly like dog treats.
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And designer bottled water for dogs.
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As you can see, it comes in 2 flavors: piss and tap water.

Sure. We need that.
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USA! USA!

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I’m not a fan of naming kids with qualities you hope they grow up to have. Names like “Chastity” or “Prudence.” But I am kinda tempted to name my firstborn “Bad Mothafucka.”

Or at least have her middle name be “Mothafuckin.”

With the suffix “Bitch.”

I tend to prefer names which describe physical characteristics that the child may or may not grow up to have. Like “Eudora Welty.”

The church down the street has a new slogan on their sign out front: “One thing you can give and still keep is your word.” And herpes.

“There is a new Archbishop, and guess what, ladies? He’s single!”
I'm looking forward to toasting marshmallows with Letterman in hell.

Lord, forgive me for not being cool with a religion that prohibits certain people from loving.

Ball Bearings (n) - Gaydar
(n) - Members of the family Ursidae who have Prince Alberts
(v) - Flashing of the male jigglybits

Even if you aren’t a ho, condoms are a business expense.

Last weekend, I sat on a weiner:
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And then I spooned her.
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The Shamwow guy was arrested for punching a hooker. I find it odd that he didn’t just snap her with a Shamwow.

I wonder if he paid extra to get her to scream “Shamwow!”

That actually works better than any infomercial. Not only does everyone know about it (thanks exclusively to this blog), but it opens it up to a whole new market.

Paycock Press (n) - An alternative publisher based in the Nation’s Capital.
(n) - Doink The Clown’s finishing move.

Even I’m half tempted to buy a few Shamwows. Off the top of my head, I can think of at least 4 ways you can use one during sex. And none of them involve cleanup.

“2. April: Avoid stress from meat

Avoid or reduce your intake of meat. Meat contains many stress hormones, which are secreted just before the animal is slaughtered. Animals are living creatures and are aware of what is going to happen, a moment before it happens, regardless of which method is used. This means that the animal gets filled with despair and stress, and excrete chemicals as neurotransmitters, stress hormones and other substances that signal stress in the animal’s physiology. When we eat meat, we also consume negative chemicals.”
- Translation of a Norwegian medical book.

Freud just soiled his coffin.

Superlatives (n) - Clark Kent’s cousins.

Holy crap, dude: http://www.wiktionary.org/

Excuse me while I go change my pants.

In the spirit of Cinco de Mayo:
Nuevo (n) - A Flock of Spanish Seagulls
(n) - testicle transplant

Funny name: Professor Glasscock

My name means “triangular hill” and “large fortification.”

Not “kinda long, but really skinny fortification.”

“Triangular hill” would be like if Picasso drew porn. Or just 3 really fat lesbians.

Funny name: Chou Her

Ladies, back me up on this: A PO Box is much better than a PU Box.

I’m going to die alone, aren’t I?

I was filling my car with gas and my pump clicked off at the exact same time as the lady’s next to me. So I turned to her and immediately said, “Jinx!” She didn’t get it.

Yep. Alone.

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Are you unique? Take our quiz and find out!

I took the “Which Twilight character are you?” quiz, and the results came back “Spock.”

If I ever write a science fiction story, I’ll name the main character Q’uus Q’uus.

What if Spider Pig got the swine flu?

If bears had thumbs, we’d be fucked. I mean, game over.

Seriously though, I got one of the best endorsements from a guy who plays the banjo (so you know he can be trusted): “kind of like mitch hedberg or zach galifianakis.”

wow.



Billie? Is that you?

Friday, May 1, 2009

A picture of my junk

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Come jiggle with me.