They are. And they do.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

The Jigglybits Illustrated vol. 13


Posting again. Like a boss.

Making you laugh. Like an assistant night manager.

It’s that time of year again.

Time for another Good Idea, Bad Idea.

Good Idea: Checking out the new comic Aram made, MandatoryRollercoaster

Bad Idea: Checking out the new rollercoaster Aram made, Mandatory Ride to the Emergency Room Afterward

Blatant promotion!

Good Idea: College

Bad Idea: English degree

But it did get me hella laid off.

Good Idea: Thinking, “Hey, it might work with this girl”

Bad Idea: Using that thought as justification for not posting any relationship jokes while we were still together (so expect some of this to be contradictory)

Blatant plot exposition!

Good Idea: Swiping a funny bit from a TV show

Bad Idea: Swiping a funny bit from a TV show that always used a sight gag as a punch line

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I feel sorry for atheists who were born on Christmas. Atheism is generally a result of spending time with people who believe in a god. And when you’re a kid, having the greater western world conspire to take away your birthday in favor of a coping mechanism must suck ass.

Christmas is a lonely time of the year to get spam from an old friend about how you’d really enjoy Desktop Dating.

I actually do enjoy desktop dating. But only if tabletop dinner and sofatop movie go well.

I’m a gentleman.

I listen to James Brown during Christmas because nothing says “love and togetherness” like hot pants.

My generation learned about lust every year around Christmas time from the Super Nintendo. It was kinda like the iPad2, but with less feminine camaraderie.

I need a gift idea for this girl, something that says, “You bring new light and understanding to my world, and I cherish the moments we share.”

Do bitches actually like the heels in all that Facebook spam? As a dude, I think they look uncomfortable and ugly as fuck.

It’s funny because we broke up.

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Free gift idea: http://niswander.com/ihang/

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I know. Hang. Not hung. But if you click on the link, you get to play one-player hangman.

Dandle (v) – Tom Lennon playing one player hangman

Free anatomy lesson: The corpus is the vessel in the male what-have-you that makes
dudes pointy.

Corpus Christi (n):

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Aw, come on. It’s Christmas. Let’s show a little enthusiasm.

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Close.

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Now we’re talking.

So, I dated a girl who likes U2.

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I think my one goal in life is to not become a vagina. Remember Greg Beherendt? He used to be a shitty comic. Now he has frosted hair and a relationship book.

Just thoughts of cuddling make me have to pee.

Relationship advice: The sooner you apologize for making her mad in her dream, the sooner you can have make-up wet dreams.

To Do:
  • Clean bathroom floor
  • Donate to Locks of Love

 I’ve grown a mustache. Now to make a porno with the girlfriend.

Seriously, it’s bad. Like I should be wearing a shirt that says “Free Paterno.”

I love it when you call me “Big Paterno.”

Too soon?

For our Spanish-speaking readers, me gusta cuando me llamas “Pepino Grande.”

Pepino Grande (n. Spanish): Big Cucumber

Coincidence?

Aram, they should put us on that Area 51 shit. We’d get results.

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Spock-blocking since 2009

This month’s installment of Not a Porn Site: http://www.taylorguitars.com/woodandsteel/

I want someone who thinks of that as a romantic evening.

Don’t think too hard.

Or I’ll have to use the safe word.

She must be ok that I’m into

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and BTW.

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She must use the correct "your," and she must think this is funny:

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Nobody says, “I like my men like I like my coffee,” perhaps because there aren’t as many witty punch lines.

Brown.
Caffeinated.
Frothy, with a hint of hazelnut.
Less Juan Valdez, more his donkey.
With cream and sugar.

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Before I go to another baby shower, I need to learn how to make pink tissue paper not look like girlybits.

If anyone of this generation names their daughter Bella or their son (whatever the dude’s name is. Mervin?), said children reserve the right to slap a bitch.

I met someone named Azlan. I’m still waiting to meet a Mufasa.

Step 1:

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 Step 2:

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Dear Facebook,

Please stop posting pictures of your Words with Friends game. Nobody cares about that shit.

Xo,

Bono

My friend: Omg, The Talk is so much better than The View. Lol.

Maybe I need to start deleting people.

People I can do without:

  • Stoners who sing, “I Love Smoke a Bowl”
  • Comics who blatantly rip off George Carlin’s bits
  • Internets who blatantly rip off Aram’s bits

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I mean,

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Bitch, please.

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While I was writing this, I grew and lost a mustache. It was a bad decision. If you didn’t see me during that time, I looked like I should be in an old-school western or a new school prison.

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Don’t sprays me, bro.

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How quickly we forget 9-11.

As we near the end of 2011 and move into an election year, I can’t help but be disappointed at how Obama has handled the issue of gay rights. While Hilary was finally able to publically realize that being LGBTQ doesn’t mean that you’re any less of a person, the president has yet to take a stand and fight for what is by definition a civil rights issue. Instead, he has given the non-answer that his views on the matter are “evolving.” Although this effectively does nothing, it is much preferable to the discriminatory proposals offered by the ass clowns running as Republicans.

Obama 2012: It’s either him or the browneye of Newt (+2 nerd points)

Obama 2012: meh > fml

Obama 2012: Fruit on the bottom, hope on top

Come jiggle with me.