They are. And they do.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Huh?

Wait. What?

Don't tell me.

...


Shit.

Monday, September 6, 2010

The Jigglybits Illustrated vol. 6

Hello. My name is Bono. Aram likes to do drawrings.

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I like to do drawlings.

If you’re looking for this to make sense, you’ve come to the wrong place.

“The highest purpose is to have no purpose at all. This puts one in accord with nature, in her manner of operation and all up in dat ass.”

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Happy Holiday.



To those of you currently giving birth,

sometimes you can hate me before I even finish the joke.

September 19th is National Talk like a Pirate Day. For those who don’t speak the language, relax. I’m here to help.

Harpoon (n): Pirate girlybits

That’s all you need to know.

Putting a telescoping cylinder up against your face should be much hotter than it is.

I’ve been doing a lot of travelling and schmoozing with some big names in various VIP lounges.

Schmooze (v, Yiddish): To ooze schmutz.

You will never look at that word the same again.

I just returned from Washington. As much as I love it there, California has a great deal more pants-optional months.

If this isn’t really coherent, sorry. I’m still adjusting to the time change.

I could live in Seattle. I’d get a place with a skylight so I wouldn’t need electricity to experience irony.

The Skymall at the Salt Lake City airport sells a Swiss Army Book of Mormon.

I had an aisle seat and got a lot of ass.

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Taken in Denver.

Mile High Club achieved.

Best thing heard over the airport PA: “Now paging passengers Porter and DefJam.”

Heir to the Def Jam fortune.

Or the Smuckers fortune.

I hope Def Jam broadcasts their specials in closed captioning.

I kinda want to carry on a bag that contains all of the ingredients to make chocolate chip cookies, just to see what TSA does.

Current favorite Karaism: “I like when you dip things in chocolate.”

“Karaism” is a great word, because it simultaneously looks like a religion and a sexual event that lands you in the hospital. Few words can claim that.

I just had a Judaism.

“And Abraham rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass, and took two of his young men with him…and clave the wood and rose up, and went unto the place of which God had told him.”

How can you tell me god doesn’t love gay people?

Funny-because-it-isn’t-a-stage name: Emily Hardoon

I’m the atheist who listens to Journey.

Just kidding. They fucking suck.

Sean Lennon look-alike contest:

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Plastics secrete estrogen simulators. John Lennon knew something the rest of us didn’t.

I’m still waiting for Jay Z to collaborate with Christopher Lloyd

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Is my Linkin Park shirt vintage yet?

I met an old lady with the last name Kronick. She isn't a Dre fan.

But she does smoke a lot. It is California, after all.

I found a gray hair, and I’m keeping it.

+2 Old Fuck points

I’m prone to making bad decisions. One of them involved dating someone who used to pluck out my gray hairs. She would also do my eyebrows.

No. She would pluck them.

I've been informed that a group of people wearing wheelchairs is suing Chipotle because the work station counter is too high. They can't see the people make their burritos, therefore denying them the complete Chipotle experience.

They should also sue boobs.

Or just wait a while.

Funny street name: Cougar Gap

I took a pen into Staples to ask the clerk why I couldn’t get it to work.

+8 Old Fuck points

I saw an oil painting of the ocean. Or it may have been a photograph.

I set my computer up in front of a window and set my desktop background as the view from that window so I won’t miss anything by looking down.

My feng shui is performance art. And my audience is me.

I call it, “Windows.”

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That shit’s my jam. I have it as my ringtone.

Wheel of Fortune, Before and After: Cockringtone.

Free million dollar idea, btw.

This one will be in more of a traditional joke format to make it easier for you to steal:

What's the female equivalent of a cock ring?

Boxing ring.

I think I have a pigeon living above my window. Trying to analyze the turd.

Words that look similar in your peripheral vision (or unsuccessful business names):
  • Baptist Rapist
  • Dysentary Dentistry
  • Typo Lypo
K, so that last one didn’t quite work. But I think I have the right to the word “Lypo” as long as serious writers are using the word “lite.”

And “k.”

I read a lot of shitty books, but even they have their bright moments:

“Being the older sister of 5 brothers, I am an expert on boy-stink.”

“…in the form of God, Jesus, Santa Claus and country.”

“It began to cause a lot of serious injuries by falling cows.”

All three are non-fiction, btw.

They also have their shitty moments, like a chapter entitled “Cats and more cats.”

The title is efficient, though. I’ll give it that. In 4 words, I know both what it’s all about and that I don’t want to read it.

Hemingway was famous for his 6 word flash fiction, “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.”

Perhaps I’ll be famous for my 2 word flash fiction, “Total sideboob.”

This is a scholarly blog, so let’s analyze the mechanics. Those two words provide or imply: a well-drawn character with age, voice, desires and perhaps gender (at least sexual orientation). There is action (when you’re that age, that’s action), tension and release (but that comes later. I go one step further to imply a sequel story with no words, but maybe a moan at the end). Even the sentence that orients us to the exercise itself ends up adding to the story and redefining the genre. I may have just found the two most powerful words in the English language.

Suck it, Hemingway.

Funny name: Tony Locoboni

I could write a book: Names That Will Get Your Kid’s Ass Kicked. But no one would publish that kind of thing. I’d end up having to self-publish, and the only one who would buy it would be my mother.

Current mood: Thunderstruck.

Remember Myspace?

Remember your Myspace password?



“Blogosphere” is misleading. Mine is a rectangle.

Real news story:

12:00 AM

100 percent chance of showers

Avery Willett uses an umbrella to protect herself from her brother, Hunter, who was armed with a garden hose while playing Tuesday with friend Jackson Lee in a kiddie pool at their home in Waterville.

Aren’t we at war?

Yes, we still are. Pay attention.

Debriefing (v): A precursor to what the army does to you

Our generation is much different from that of our parents. To them, “Nom” represents something dangerous. To us, it represents something delicious.

I love a good language barrier. Here are a few recent cases:
  • We’ve been having a 24 day relationship for 2 years by now.
  • I pretend to make money. A lot of it.
People should give me money so I could become a philanthropist. My charities would include
  • Casiotones for Ice Cream Truck Drivers
  • Cookie Monster Eyes for the Blind
And no, I won’t be one of those douchebag comics who would list
  • Bluetooths for the homeless
They’d be happy just to have regular teeth.

Perhaps the other end of the tooth fairy transaction is some kind of government subsidized bio recycling program. As noble as that would be, it wouldn’t help the homeless to better assimilate into society. People with large gums and small teeth weird me the fuck out.

I’m sorry kids, but times are tough, and I just don’t see the tooth family having a place in Obamacare.

With the economy in shambles and people not buying anything, we just need to find something that’ll sell like hotcakes. Like hotcakes. Unfortunately, the monopoly on that lies in the hands of IHOP, an international company. We need to take that shit back. Start the National House of Pancakes. Inside, we will serve one type of pancakes: blueberries in one corner and strawberries and whipped cream on the rest. Fucking American pancakes. We will have Prince as our spokesman, but he will change his name to Vice President, or maybe even Congressman. He will make pancakes sexy and we will buy even more of them. The downward spiral is no more, because an upward spiral is how you stack pancakes.

That, or the bankers could just stop stealing from us.



Pay attention.

You may wonder how I can sleep at night after writing stuff like this. It’s quite easy, actually. I remain comforted knowing that somewhere there exists a porno named Sandra’s Bullocks.

I’d like to be superstitious. It sounds like fun. But whenever I try to be superstitious, it never turns out like I want. As a result, I am superstitiously not superstitious.

Superstitious.

Beatlejuice Beatlejuice Beatlejuice.

I took up religion just for the sects.

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Hug the devil.

I went to a tiki bar and got lei’d. It was nice. I hadn’t been lei’d in a while. I think it was before the last time I got fucked.

And now, this month’s installment of Not a Porn Site:
http://www.wjzm.com/localprograms/theboneshow.php

You can’t make this stiff up.

(Freudian typo)

To all of my loyal botanical bromatologist readers: I need help.

Is a gherkin pickle veal? I need to know whether or not to feel offended.

The Toadies have a new album.

You know how when you’re taking a pee,

which is an erroneous term. You’re really leaving pee behind. If you were taking pee, I wouldn’t want to associate with you. Or I’d be paying you a lot of money because my ass doesn’t have medical insurance.

and you’re getting to the end, almost when you have to squeeze, and it starts to sound like R2D2?

I’m proposing that we all start calling that “robot pee.”

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Remind me never to see a shrink. This shit is too much fun to fix.

Come jiggle with me.