Blog.

I don’t like the sound of the word. It sounds like "I saw two men blogging in the alley.”
-Michael Keaton

Once the paperwork goes through with the city, I will own a business. I’d like to take this opportunity to preemptively tell everyone to back the fuck up off it.

Come June, I will be a secret agent.

They even gave me one of these:


I realize that once that happens, I can no longer be directly associated with this.

“Bloggers are like boobies. You have to look really close to tell which ones are fake. You may even have to touch them, move them around a bit.”
-Craig Fergusen

The man on TV said it, so it must be true. I’m willing to volunteer to help out the cause.

Am I the only one who can't say "Crabtree" without laughing just a little? "The 49ers got Crabtree." The whole team? I'm not even going to ask how. One thing's for sure, they're going to need a lot of ointment.

And they got it in the draft, which means it’s airborne. So, if you’re reading this, protect yourself and those you love long time. Don’t go to a 49ers game until this situation is under control. And if you see one of them on the street, do not approach them. An autograph is not worth having to deal with Crabtree.

Have you ever had to tutor someone who smelled like a urinal cigarette after sex with a lamb?

Nice guy, but he burns my throat.

Writers are the kind of nerds who use binder clips for nipple clamps.

It's going to be a good night.

I met a brand new English speaker who has a better command of the semicolon than anyone I have ever seen.

Giggity.

No, really. She’s this quiet, innocent looking Japanese woman. But when it comes down to business, she has mad punctuation skills.

Giggity.

Other than her, nobody really knows how to properly use semicolons anymore; we should just replace them with "Bono is a tool."



Here's an example of how it works: Other than her, nobody really knows how to properly use semicolons anymore Bono is a tool we should just replace them with "Bono is a tool."

That sounds about right.

I can’t be the only one who wants to break The Edge’s delay pedal. Or better yet, just hand him an acoustic guitar and maybe one of these:



Cinco de Mayo was this Tuesday. For those who don’t know, it’s the holiday where we all celebrate the Mexican army’s defeat of the French in the Battle of Puebla on May 5th, 1862 (remember?). We do this because they showed a tremendous amount of courage and fortitude. They were outnumbered nearly 2 to 1, horribly under equipped and at the time, it was not yet trendy to beat the hell out of the French until they ran away sniveling like little pussys. To commemorate the event, we all gather together with plenty of food, alcohol and pinatas and everyone there who isn’t Mexican has to take 5 shots of mayonnaise before they can take part in the celebration, hence the name.

I love Wikipedia enough to make it scream "Oh, god! OH, GOD!"

Another way we celebrate is by dubbing Tony Soprano’s voice so he says “Suck on diez nuts.”

People say the tango is the most passionate dance between a man and a woman. Apparently, these people haven’t seen the Soulja Boy.

I have to applaud Nas for being open with his sexuality in a viciously masculine rap scene:

“All I need is one Mike.”

He did so years before Kanye was an openly gay fish. We just need to give credit where it’s due.

I used to get really annoyed when people in the Middle Ages said, “Huzzah!” until I realized they were the first rappers.

“Huzzah, my knuzzah. Let’s get on our huzzah’s and ride to the cuzzah. We’ll chill with the kuzzah and the quzzah and drink lots of wuzzah.”

It works in the Middle Ages, but that kind of behavior has no place in, say, modern day Atlanta.

“Nah, man. That’s gross. She’s your cuzzah.”

“George W. Bush, entering his 9th year of not being president.”
-David Letterman is an old Algonquin term, meaning “Man with thin hair and large testicles.”

There are so many ads on Jeff Gordon’s jacket, I can’t tell what any of them are for.

Another gross example of materialistic irony is the TV surgeon pitching fast food hamburgers. But I can’t fault him for wanting job security in the current economy.

Hi. My name is Bono Isatool, and I’ve lost 0 pounds on the Nutra System. And on every other diet. Because I’ve never been on a diet.

My day job’s day job continues to be run with a deep dedication to ineptitude:

• An employee who has been gone for nearly a year still has her own inbox.
• Stuff like this is the norm:
  
• 

Yes, that is a hard drive amongst tools. It should be ok. It’s all hardware, right?

I’m one week exactly from not having to deal with Mrs. Goldfarb anymore. She has threatened to lower the final grade a whole letter if a student misses more than two classes. And yet, she doesn’t take roll. She just counts people. Seriously. “Oh, I guess 3 people are absent today.” Direct quote. I can’t make this shit up.

I’ll be graduating two weeks from today at noon at Arco Arena. You’re all invited. But there are rules: “Beach balls, silly string, tortillas, and Frisbees are not allowed and will be confiscated.”

No tortillas? Fuck. How are we supposed to get drunk?

If the guy who invented Twitter is not called “The Leader,” my entire childhood has been a lie.

I take part in that shit too, but I am a bit worried about Twitter killing our autonomy.

I twittered myself on the bus the other day. It's ok. It's not like I was googling myself.

I thought I was being followed by an unmarked cop car, but it was just a G ride.

Isn’t this the most ironic trend? Gs tend to like the same model of car as cops. Maybe that’s why they get arrested. It’s not them being clumsy with their G-ness and getting caught. It’s intentional. They’re car shopping.

Ooo. Big back seat. You know what that means.

To add to the confusion, old people also tend to go for the cop cars. So now, whenever I see a Crown Vic that isn’t police, there’s a moment in which I’m not quite sure if it’s a G or an old person. Maybe these old people are just retired Gs.

It’s ok. Those headlights look taxi.

Another disturbing new trend: Pouches of meat snack cubes that look exactly like dog treats.


And designer bottled water for dogs.

As you can see, it comes in 2 flavors: piss and tap water.

Sure. We need that.

USA! USA!



I’m not a fan of naming kids with qualities you hope they grow up to have. Names like “Chastity” or “Prudence.” But I am kinda tempted to name my firstborn “Bad Mothafucka.”

Or at least have her middle name be “Mothafuckin.”

With the suffix “Bitch.”

I tend to prefer names which describe physical characteristics that the child may or may not grow up to have. Like “Eudora Welty.”

The church down the street has a new slogan on their sign out front: “One thing you can give and still keep is your word.” And herpes.

“There is a new Archbishop, and guess what, ladies? He’s single!”
I'm looking forward to toasting marshmallows with Letterman in hell.

Lord, forgive me for not being cool with a religion that prohibits certain people from loving.

Ball Bearings (n) - Gaydar
(n) - Members of the family Ursidae who have Prince Alberts
(v) - Flashing of the male jigglybits

Even if you aren’t a ho, condoms are a business expense.

Last weekend, I sat on a weiner:


And then I spooned her.


The Shamwow guy was arrested for punching a hooker. I find it odd that he didn’t just snap her with a Shamwow.

I wonder if he paid extra to get her to scream “Shamwow!”

That actually works better than any infomercial. Not only does everyone know about it (thanks exclusively to this blog), but it opens it up to a whole new market.

Paycock Press (n) - An alternative publisher based in the Nation’s Capital.
(n) - Doink The Clown’s finishing move.

Even I’m half tempted to buy a few Shamwows. Off the top of my head, I can think of at least 4 ways you can use one during sex. And none of them involve cleanup.

“2. April: Avoid stress from meat

Avoid or reduce your intake of meat. Meat contains many stress hormones, which are secreted just before the animal is slaughtered. Animals are living creatures and are aware of what is going to happen, a moment before it happens, regardless of which method is used. This means that the animal gets filled with despair and stress, and excrete chemicals as neurotransmitters, stress hormones and other substances that signal stress in the animal’s physiology. When we eat meat, we also consume negative chemicals.”
- Translation of a Norwegian medical book.

Freud just soiled his coffin.

Superlatives (n) - Clark Kent’s cousins.

Holy crap, dude: http://www.wiktionary.org/

Excuse me while I go change my pants.

In the spirit of Cinco de Mayo:
Nuevo (n) - A Flock of Spanish Seagulls
(n) - testicle transplant

Funny name: Professor Glasscock

My name means “triangular hill” and “large fortification.”

Not “kinda long, but really skinny fortification.”

“Triangular hill” would be like if Picasso drew porn. Or just 3 really fat lesbians.

Funny name: Chou Her

Ladies, back me up on this: A PO Box is much better than a PU Box.

I’m going to die alone, aren’t I?

I was filling my car with gas and my pump clicked off at the exact same time as the lady’s next to me. So I turned to her and immediately said, “Jinx!” She didn’t get it.

Yep. Alone.



Are you unique? Take our quiz and find out!

I took the “Which Twilight character are you?” quiz, and the results came back “Spock.”

If I ever write a science fiction story, I’ll name the main character Q’uus Q’uus.

What if Spider Pig got the swine flu?

If bears had thumbs, we’d be fucked. I mean, game over.

Seriously though, I got one of the best endorsements from a guy who plays the banjo (so you know he can be trusted): “kind of like mitch hedberg or zach galifianakis.”

wow.



Billie? Is that you?