RIP, Grasshopper.

If you haven’t stopped reading this, now would be a good time.

Funny name: Holly Schmidt

Of all the offensive crap I’ve posted, I finally got an image removed by Photobucket. And would you believe it was that one of Bono with his hands down his pants:



There’s plenty of more offensive shit on here. Like that picture of the pope.

I gave up Christianity for Lent, and now I have no idea when to start back up again.

Even within that post I have a sock monkey with genitalia, a hooded weiner, a citrus reamer, numerous cock references, the Jonas Brothers and a man who straight up looks like a dick.

And a video showing the horrific effects of war on children. But that’s not offensive at all.

I’ve had a lot of newcomers to the blog

so I feel I need to explain something:

The Jonas Brothers look like pubes.

I like how hundreds of people looked at the site and only 4 of them came back later.

Really, though? Bono adjusting his man junk is too much? In the post before that, he’s the recipient of an inter-species golden shower.

Me-wow.

I was also banned by a blog database for having offensive content a mere two days after I registered. If you find me offensive, you need to learn German and explore the internet a bit more thoroughly.

Am I the only one who thinks that anyone who hires a life coach is better off spending the money on a life?

I want to put on a concert, but I don’t want to pay anyone. I wonder if I could get Cher pro-Bono.

Too early? Should I let you grieve another 11 years?

I’d ask for U2 pro-Bono, but then people would question my sexuality.

David Carradine was found hung in a hotel room in Bangkok. He also killed himself.

Well, balls. David Carradine as himself plays an integral role in the script I’m writing.

It’s probably for the best. If he didn’t want to kill himself before, he would have after shooting my movie.

We have now lost two great ones: Bruce Lee and the man who unwittingly stole the lead in Kung Fu away from Bruce Lee.

I don’t read USA Today because Kirstie Alley’s weight is a front page story.

The fun thing about blogs is that you get to read people’s dairy.



Funny word:
Cacophony (n) - The point at which the London Philharmonic becomes gay porn

The Killers totally ripped off Mitch Hedberg with their song, “Human.”

They recently played on Letterman and had a harp onstage. Mothers, hide your daughters.

“What are they tuning, a harp? I thought we were a big, rich, rock band. We should a whole bunch of extra guitars.”
- K. Cobain

I was cleaning out my garage and the ice cream truck driver slowed down for me.

Leno’s last Tonight Show was last week, and I missed it. I mean, I didn’t really miss it. You know.

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been in the business, the first taping as host of the Tonight Show must be nerve wracking as hell. If you pay close attention, it looks like Conan was on a crap ton of Finasteride at the time.

Don’t be a douche. Finasteride is a chemical for hair growth.

And my online handle at malesexbuddies.com.

If only my girlfriend knew.

I would get so lucky.

Regardless of network and time slot, Craig is still funnier.

Regional Sacramento news: If you haven’t already, pick up the latest copy of the SN&R and read the submissions for their flash fiction contest. Then find Jason Conde and congratulate him for winning both second place and honorable mention.

Elk Grove is the kind of city that cuts down a huge tree to make room for a new, metal overhang at a bus stop.

I’m gonna rise up, gonna kick a little ass. Gonna kick some ass in the USA. Gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I’m gonna kick some butt, gonna drive a big truck. I’m gonna rule this world. I’m gonna kick some ass. I’m gonna rise up, gonna kick a little ass. ROCK, FLAG, and EAGLE!



It’s ok, though. They painted the overhang green.

In order to protest the way the government has been spending money, many conservatives have been sending their representatives tea bags, hoping to invoke the protest of the Boston Tea Party.

They are calling this “teabagging.”

Seriously. You can’t make that shit up.

That’s mildly ironic, coming from a group who is traditionally against homosexuality.

“If Osama Bin Laden had been making illegal tax deductions, his ass would be in jail right now.”
-Craig Ferguson, man with testicles.

A picture of the recession can be seen on Stockton Blvd. just south of Florin: A realtor’s office with a “Space Available” sign on the lawn.

The other picture of the recession can be seen in the group of young women comparing how cute each other’s credit cards are.

If you think you’re depressed, George Clinton has been in a funk since 1941.

You should expect that kind of lame, vaudevillian humor from me by now.

If I’m a vaudevillian, who is the vaudehero?

Seriously, why do you even read this?



I’m afraid of failing a Rorschach Test. What does that say about me?

Ladies, I’m sure you will agree. Here is a picture of the perfect man:

:p

I heard the pie in the face gag was big during vaudeville.

I don’t have a man crush, or a celebrity crush for that matter. But if I had to pick someone, it would probably be the late Mitch Hedberg because a sense of humor is very important to me. That, and I really like long hair. And boobs.

Gran Torino comes out on DVD next Tuesday. It’s pretty good, but I’d have to say my favorite Clint Eastwood movie is Back to the Future 3.

Get off my century.

I was listening to the Goodbye Yellow Brick Road LP the other day when I noticed on the jacket that Elton John did not write the lyrics. Maybe I’m a bit late coming to this realization, but this turns my world upside down. You mean he didn’t write that song about Marilyn Monroe? And he didn’t write Jamaica Jerk Off, either?

The new Eels is pretty much what you’d expect from a guy with more beard than face: Awesome.

The next record I’m really excited about is Battle for the Sun, by Placebo.

Regional Sacramento joke: I turned off that god awful new ‘90s radio station to put in Weezer.

Regional Sacramento joke: Citrus Heights.

Regional Sacto joke:


I find it appropriate that my town shares the name of every punch line on America’s Funniest Home Videos.

I don't think we've had enough of that yet:



After 17 miles on the seat of an old Peugot 12 speed, I can see how Frenchmen talk that way.

If I started a cookbook publishing house, I would name it First Cold Press.

I’m almost sorry if you’re nerdy enough to get that one.

I have to commend Mexicans for making their food so easy to freeze and heat up later. That’s thinking ahead.

Microwavable frozen burrito > Microwavable frozen ham sandwich.

You know what else is good? Siracha.

Mmm...

They are now making gummy vitamins for adults. I’m going to miss throwing down the entire Flinstones clan every morning.

Free million dollar idea: Gummy vitamins for seniors.

I’m pretty sure the Flinstones ate actual vitamins.

Flinstones vitamins teach kids about the conservation of matter.

My college education at work.

I made and mailed cookies to someone who was gracious enough to post my banner on her website. Believe it.

Thank you Jess. And thanks again Javier. Because of your efforts, I’m really moving up in the world.

Sorry, Charlize. I’m spoken for.

Fucked up name:

+

=


Don’t hate me. Hate her parents.

Funny name: Helen Phelan.

Good luck ever holding public office, Helen.

She is the little known older sister of Miss Demeanor on Carmen Sandiego.

“Miss Demeanor on Carmen Sandiego” is the name of a movie I once accidentally rented 12 times.

Ah, nerd porn.







Awkward silence.