Occupation: Foole

I miss George Carlin.

Hip hop is fun and all, but when you have white suburbanites saying, “Aww. Let’s name her Jeezy Shizzle,” it’s time to say, “Joke’s over.”

I got a friend request from who may be the world’s biggest douchebag.

Anyone else realize how only men are referred to as douchebags? What would you call a female douchebag?

Douchebaguette.

Remember the list of little language fuckups by the native English-speaking management at my day job? Well, holy crap:

That is the new slang, btw. If someone (male or female) is acting like they just might be a little funky, you say, “Wow. They need to consult the list.”

You’re welcome.

Now, this is the kind of oddity I’d expect from a company owned by a non-native English speaker:

Moose kooch? Really? I mean, I’m Scottish, but I’m not that lonely.

Ah, those crazy Germans with their moose kooch and their shize.

“Moose kooch” actually sounds more Canadian than German.

Truth be told, I just like saying, “Moose kooch.”

And “Betty Bossi?” I have to admit, that’s kinda hot. I didn’t open the book up, so who knows? It could be porn. I mean, there are vegetables on the cover.

I’ll give them that, but some fuckups are a bit more universal. Like the two giant, pink paper eggs hanging from one of the chandeliers. I think you know where this is going. These eggs look exactly like juevos. And if I’m not careful walking by, I’m liable to get tea bagged.

There’s also a list of employees to get a reward for having perfect attendance for this month: December.

I write a lot of this stuff on scraps of paper at work. And now I can’t find one of those scraps. I am so fired.

I came in once on my day off and the dishwasher pointed at my pants and said, “Jenis.”

Skinny guys will back me up on this: You know when you’re wearing a belt and it causes your jeans to bunch up around the zipper and then you sit down and it looks like you’re having a really good time? I’ve come up with a name for that happy little protrusion:

Jenis.

Just doing my part to further the language.

I’m sure some of you can remember when conversations with your mom didn’t go quite like this:
“Did you get my text?”
“Yeah. I guess you didn’t get my email.”

Another name I’m glad I don’t have: Bob Schatz

“Joseph” is a name that is commonly shortened. Everyone who does uses some form of “Joe.” Nobody shortens it to “Seph.”

Facebook doesn’t let you poke yourself. Are they Catholic?

There are plenty of blogs out there, but few dare to ask the burning questions, like “What would group sex look like for matches?”

That must be the 69,000 position.

I know. That’s disgusting and unrealistic; a match’s wet dream. This is more like it:

Yeah.

And from behind:

Hot.

And I know this joke never gets old:

Sometimes I make soup just so I can go to Safeway and get some.

“If I start to bother you, you’re just going to have to handle it.”
-Steven Wright

And if you don’t think I’m an equal opportunity sick fuck:

If you wear a bra, you really have no right to laugh.

Underlog (n) - 1. concealed wood. 2. junior high.

A woman came into work and paid with a Hello Kitty credit card. She was wearing a Hello Kitty dress. It didn’t have any cartoon characters on it.

A pickle is not just a condiment.

What? It’s a tasty treat. Who doesn’t love a good zesty dill?

Ben Affleck met with a dying kid for the Make A Wish Program. Well, now that kid’s life is complete.



I’ve accepted a virtual plant on Facebook. If I can fight global warming by sitting my ass in front of my energy-gobbling computer, I’m all for it.

That’s kinda like those TV ads about conserving energy.

The budget crunch has hit my school especially hard, leading to cutbacks in courses offered and increased class sizes. But I do like our new giant electronic highway billboard.

I think using it to advertise cashforgold.com might not show the most confidence in the education offered.

The new ShamWow will have you saying, “Wow! It’s a sham!”

Maybe I shouldn’t write for commercials.

Commercials are a big part of what makes some women so fucked up. For example: “We’ve lowered the price of being beautiful.” Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

“The news media is all freaking out over ‘What will Michelle Obama wear next?’ It sounds like some kind of 1950's propaganda. ‘Hey, ladies. Don’t worry about the world’s problems. Here’s fashion!’ You know what that is? It’s sexist, that’s what.”
Wow. How far we’ve come. Listen to Craig Fergusen.

Anyone else see the irony in Sarah Palin getting all upset over Obama’s Special Olympics quip?

Ambien can make you do weird shit. Even the ads say, “Sleepwalking with amnesia of the event has been reported. Tell your doctor if you experience this symptom.” My question is: How would you experience it?

In light of recent health concerns, Celebrex has changed their advertising strategy. Essentially, they’re saying, “We’re ok. A ton of other medicines also have the potential to without warning cause death by: Cardiovascular thrombotic events, myocardial infarction, heart attack, bleeding ulcer and perforation of the intestines (for those who don’t know, that means burning holes in your guts). Ignore the fact that risks for these increase when you take it for a prolonged period.” Well, that’s certainly worth making arthritis just a bit less painful.

I got a coupon for washing machine cleaner. I put it next to my battery-operated battery charger that only works on charging its own batteries.

I tried paying 2 bits for a shave and a haircut and was run out of the shop. That’s false advertising.

This is:

a. A twist tie
b. A wig for Rabbi Barbie

I’m already going to hell. The trick will be guessing which one.

This may earn me negative man points, but I’m a big fan of scented candles.

What?

Seriously.

I’ve been burning vanilla candles, eating chocolates and helping edit a book called “A Real Emotional Girl.”

Spring break. Woo. Fathers, lock up your daughters. I’m effing crazy.

I love Garden State. A movie has to be really good in order to make me want to cry while I’m writing a scene about a guy having sex with a mental patient.

When I say, “Garden State,” I’m referring to the Zach Braff / Natalie Portman movie. Not the porno.

I don’t even know how “Garden State” could be the name of a porno. If you do, I love you.

Every good source of entertainment should have something like this:

For those of you who don’t understand German, he’s basically describing shize. And how the Chinese-made Brilliance BS6 scored a 0-Star crash test rating. That was in 2007. Brilliance has since redesigned and re-released the car as the BS4. It also earned 0-Stars.

Here are a couple things to think about:
Sharks have two penises.