The Jigglybits: March 2012

Sorry for the delay. My hard drive crashed again.

This shit is getting so infrequent. I even considered a name change, but The Jigglybits Quarterly sounds way too castratory and way too real.

The Jigglybits Magazine is now accepting submissions. Please send them to: flesheatingbacteria@yourmom.com

Publishers are the best at sexting because we’re used to eating a burrito while typing, “I haven’t gotten to it yet.”

I’ll take “I have a hard-on for 600.”

I met a rich white woman who named her daughter Chardonnay. I got into the wrong profession. As long as there are rich white women, there will be child psychiatrists.

21^st century names seem to go one of three directions. Either the parents do a lot of drugs and think it’s a good idea to come up with something random that usually would not be considered a name:

Blue Angel
Memphis Eve
Audio Science

Or they do a lot of drugs and think 19^th century names are cool:

Lilly
Evelyn
Bertha (that’s really just a secret hope of mine)

Or they do a lot of drugs and try to update outdated names:

Barb to Rhubarb
Gina to Neutrogena
Ken to Hadoken

I think my main goal in life is to have a library with a ladder. I'm cool off the idea of breeding. #sorrymom

I showed this girl Mandatory Roller Coaster. And then we totally had sex.

I usually meet the parents very early on. I met this one girl’s dad the morning after we first slept together. The girl, not the dad. That would have been awkward. All I could do was shake his hand, look him in the eye and try not to smell like vagina.

Baby, don’t hurt me.

Free weight loss technique: Beer last night, coffee this morning.

Some will then add cigarettes, but I prefer women with stamina.

If you’re looking to cut carbs, bake a loaf of bread. You’ll stop buying it because you can now just make it, but it takes so fucking long that you never will.

Free weight loss technique: Laziness

Sometimes, I just want to grab the nearest person and say, “Soilent Green is delicious!”

I’m pretty sure my older neighbor just got a medicinal weed card. After a few visits by the medical transport van, the nights of hearing him cough and retch have been replaced by nights of hearing him cough through shitty reggae.

I am once again beardy. TSA says hello.

My friend: Cruelty to animals!! I'm calling PITA!

Maybe I need to start deleting people.

Or eating more Greek food.

Free Spanish Lesson:

I don’t know who was the first to think of putting cardamom in coffee, but it’s a little weird.

The ydes of march:

We’ve lost another 20th century icon.

It seems like only yesterday we had to let go of Brendan Fraser.

Wait, what?

You don’t say.

Well, this is awkward.

I think small talk in heaven is a lot like it is in jail.

“What are you guys in for?”

“Shotgun to the mouth”

“Huh. Me, too.”

“Rad.”

“12 gauge? Sawed off?”

“Remington.”

“Wow, you don’t fuck around.”

“Yeah, it did the trick.”

“Right on.”

“What about you?”

“AND IIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIII TOOK XANAX WITH BOOOOOOOOOOOOOZE.”

In all seriousness, I hope Pac Man treats her well.

Free weight loss technique: Insert your index finger into your ear and then shake that hand up and down. It sounds like Pac Man.

If an iPhone falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does its screen crack? I think so. Forests are pointy.

Things I thought were cool as a kid, but now I realize they suck ass:

Garfield
Cars with lots of large, floppy antennae
Disney movies
Singing TLC in the shower
Titles with “or die” in them

Things I still think are cool that adults don’t like:

Answering the phone, “Yeah, go.”
Singing NWA in the shower
Science

Things that still suck:

Jay Leno
Calling someone, “guy” to their face
People who pronounce “mail” as “Mel.”
Versions of the bible that try to be hip by using contractions in dialogue that was supposed to have occurred before contractions were invented
Tha Police

Click here.

Then scroll down when nothing happens.

I love it when he does the voices.

Look for her guest appearance with Lil John the Baptist on the upcoming album

Hey, I wonder if they have a website: http://www.newskete.com

Seriously, just click around there for the rest of the day. It’s way more entertaining than this shit.

Especially when you explain it to your girlfriend after she looks at your browser history.

Capuchin (n): 1. An order of Franciscan priests. 2. A Central American monkey

his muzzle of a tanned color,... with the lighter color around his eyes that melts into the white at the front, his cheeks..., give him the looks that involuntarily reminds us of the appearance that historically in our country represents ignorance, laziness, and sensuality.

- Histoire Naturelle des Mammifère

Funny name:

So, you’re an analrapist?

Have you ever left a conversation and immediately thought, “I should have said that. That joke totally would’ve gotten me laid.”

John McCain is so old.

No, it keeps going.

John McCain is so old, he probably chose his trademark phrase, “my friends” after learning of Myspace.

Yes, this obscure blog just brought you what may be the first retro 2008 joke with a retro 2004 reference.

It's kinda like giving hipsters the reacharound.

Louis Vuitton makes condoms.

Now you have a very last minute way to tell who not to fuck.

As Bono, I want people to have fun, and I want to change the world. Therefore, I have decided right now to release my own line of rubbers with inspirational sayings:

“With or Without You.”
“Luck of the Irish.”
“Catch me lucky charms.”

Free weight loss technique: Seriously, stop being so obsessed with your weight or your tits or your whatever you think is not perfect enough for me to want to fuck you. I don’t want someone who is constantly worrying about having to look how society tells you to look. I want a woman who thinks for herself. I want a woman who is comfortable in her own skin, one who is confident enough in how she naturally looks to believe that if she shows me her true skin and her true personality, it’ll turn me into a blubbering puddle of horny. Don’t censor yourself. Don’t starve yourself. Don't have surgery to change your shape. Confidence is sexy. Being healthy is sexy.

Oh, and poop more.

It’s an election year, which means if your number is not in my phone, we just won’t talk for a while.

This year’s contest features “We finally got a piece of the pie” vs. “My pie. MINE.”

Also known as “We’re going to tell you what to do with your pie.”

Or in the case of Gingrich, “I like pie.”

They really should make a decision already.

I’m no expert, but if the party turns to a Newt, I don’t think it’s getting better.

Ron Paul’s supporters are just the kind of uber-grassroots-nailing-plywood-signs-to-random-trees fanatics that when I first heard of him, I thought he was made up. For a solid month or so, I was sure that Ron Paul was a name discovered by hipsters during a weed-soaked game of ironic Boggle and then painted on signs and written on ballots alongside Vice President Arthur Vandelay just to see how many lemmings they could get to forfeit their civic duty.

And then some dude in Texas said, “Wait. What?”

I think it’s time.

I mean,

Plus, dude rips out people’s hearts, and shit.

I’m going to hell.

If I’m in the shower and I see a spider on the wall, I will not squish it. I will throw water on it until it falls down. I like the challenge, and I consider myself a bit of an amateur spiderer.

What do you call someone who kills spiders for fun? Is it like a fisherman? Am I a sport spiderman?

I think John Lennon was bigger than Jesus. Have you ever been in a really old house? People were fucking small.

Eight year olds, dude.

Next thing I knew… he was all up on me…screaming “yeah!”

Sounds like a children’s story.

I know; it is.

Actually, it’s probably best if you don’t expose kids to that kind of thing. If you really stop to think about what goes on in there, they aren’t mature enough to make those kinds of decisions on their own, and the results could potentially scar them for life. Even for the adults, it’s precisely the kind of stuff that society typically frowns upon, and in some cases, could get you thrown in jail. Not that it’s necessarily wrong, it’s just really fucking freaky.

I mean, it’s an org.

Funny name: